My Story, Lately…Pt. 3

As a new chapter starts in my life, I feel like it’s time to share it. You can read Parts One and Two by clicking the links.

This has, undoubtedly, been one of the craziest years of my life. If you’ve read the previous blog posts, then you know.

Quick Recap: A year ago, I put in my notice to quit a full-time job as a teller at a Credit Union. It was my full-time job, the way I paid my bills, my insurance, etc. I was also there for nearly 4 years, so it was my life as I knew it. I was, however, completely miserable. I cried before work, dreaded going to bed…I knew I needed out. So I had about a month of finding myself before I got a job at Old Navy, as a sales associate, for the holiday season. They kept me on after the holidays were over, and I was thankful for a paycheck. Now, things have changed again.

A large part of why the year has been so interesting, ever-changing, is because I’ve never truly known what I wanted to do. It’s one thing to dedicate yourself, your studies, your time, to an end goal. But when you don’t have an end goal, it’s so much harder. When you have the insecurities that I do on top of all that? Well, it’s nearly impossible. 
My mind: I’m not good enough for any job, I’m not worth more than x/hr, and other depressing thoughts.

My work at Old Navy was a welcome change from the past. I liked working with people of all ages in a fast-paced environment. I liked wearing whatever I wanted, listening to fun music, and making some friends along the way. The goal wasn’t to work at Old Navy forever, but I was happy there. Still, I knew I’d need something stable. When you work in retail, income is a fickle thing. If sales are great, the pay is great. But sometimes, there aren’t enough hours for everyone and your checks get smaller. The money wasn’t a massive issue (it always is, so forget that, it’s not about the money, I accept that it will always be stressful), but I started to get a little frustrated. My schedule was always different, and I ended up working a lot of evenings and weekends, meaning I barely had a summer and I barely saw my boyfriend. Still, I had no plans to leave the place. Then, something like Fate stepped in.

It was an early Sunday morning, price changing at work, when I was discussing with a co-worker the prospect of “dream jobs” or something like it, finding yourself working in a place you actually enjoy. I’ve had about a zillion thoughts on what I would like to do or what I would want to do, but it’s hard to get up the courage. Both my co-worker and I love books, so we were talking about jobs involving them…I, in particular, mentioned that I might enjoy working at a library.
Then, the next day, I went to my favorite library and….THEY WERE HIRING.
I kinda freaked out and froze. It really felt like it was meant to be.
First of all, I had only just vocalized that possibility the day before. Secondly, I have so many books…Kindle books, physical books, that I haven’t read and yet I still felt a pull to go to the library to find my next read.
The woman at the desk noticed that I was looking and asked if I wanted an application. I nodded, probably looking completely crazed. How was it possible that something I had just mentioned could become real?

After two interviews, I was offered the job!
Normally, I would’ve been anxious, shaking and sweating the morning of my first day. Not this time.
Something just felt right.

Initially, I was going to work a couple of shifts a week at Old Navy at the same time, but my first day, they offered me more time at the library and a small bump in pay…so…I basically felt like my dreams were coming true. It saddened me to say goodbye to ON, because I liked working there and didn’t leave on bad terms. But I wanted (want) to fully dedicate myself to this new position. I work in Reference and Youth Services (sitting near the YA novels brings me life) and I’ve been having a great time learning the system and absorbing everything around me. For once, I feel like I have a job that can build and boost my resume for a potential career, or that could grow and change into one.

I’m fully aware that I’m in the Honeymoon stage and that even a month from now, I could turn out to loathe the job. I personally can’t imagine what would make me despise it quite so much, grumpy patrons aside (when you’re in customer service as long as I’ve been, it’s just part of the deal). For now, though, I feel like I took a step in the right direction. A step that is taking me to a new place, a place away from the same stagnant jobs I’ve held in the past.

And finally, I feel like it’s proof that positive thinking (and manifest destiny) are real things. When I initially thought about being a teller, I had mentioned it to a friend and she helped me get the job that supported me for almost 4 years. And now, after sharing a dream about working in a library, a door opened that may not have if I had never said anything (or I never would’ve known). When you’re honest with yourself and others about what you want, it’s easier to achieve.

So here’s to the new chapter, and to whatever it may bring next!

Buzzfeed’s Tell Us About Yourself(ie)

There’s no denying my love for Buzzfeed. From the super fun quizzes to the pictures of cute puppies and the news updates, who wouldn’t love it? It’s all the good stuff of the internet in the same place!
They have an ongoing Q&A they give to celebrities and I thought, just for fun, I would do it too!

What’s your wallpaper on your phone and/or computer?
I have a pretty picture of donuts on my phone and the quote “Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.” by Karim Sedikki as my computer wallpaper.

When you walk into a bar, what do you typically order?
I usually like to try a new beer I haven’t had yet. That, or whatever is on special. I’m not picky.

Who is the last person who called or texted you? 
Brad is the last person to do both.

What’s the one word you are guilty of using too often?
Definitely “Like”.

What is the last thing you searched for on Google?
Letter Pressing. Still don’t know what it is.

When is the last time you went to the theater?
Several weeks ago, to see Divergent with my sister.

What TV show should everyone be watching?
I would recommend Misfits to anyone who hasn’t seen it.

And what is your TV guilty pleasure?
I have no guilt about it, but I’ll say How I Met Your Mother.

What’s the first CD you bought?
This is a tough one…I’m thinking Hanson’s Middle of Nowhere. Which I had on cassette, as well!

What music are you currently listening to?
Lana Del Rey’s song “West Coast” on repeat.

What one food is hard for you to resist?
Pizza. It’s everywhere.

What movie makes you laugh the most?
Another tough one…Forgetting Sarah Marshall is the first thing to cross my mind because it never gets old to me.
So many good ones, though. Tommy Boy, Billy Madison, I Love You, Man.

What drives you absolutely crazy?
People who are just outright rude and nasty.

Pick one: Kittens or Puppies?
PUPPIES! No doubt.

New York or Los Angeles?
New York. I’ve never been to LA, but I just love the east coast.

Comedy or Drama?
I love a good mix of both…that’s life, after all!

Bacon or Nutella?
Bacon. No doubt.

‘80s or ‘90s?
I grew up in the ‘90s and it was great. Technology was around but not as heavily. And the shows on Nickelodeon ruled.

Hannah Montana or Lizzie Maguire?
LIZZIE. I miss it.

Finally: Tell us a secret.
I used to have a crush on Mike Myers (of Austin Powers).

SELFIESPLOSION:

 

My Story, Lately…Pt. 2

I just missed the 6 month mark since I quit my full-time job at the CU. I realize that I forgot because…well, I don’t really care about that place at all anymore. In my mind, this is a good thing. I’ve rid my palette (for the most part) and am slowly moving on. 6 months seems both short and long. I’m not where I thought I would be but then again…where did I think I would be? You know?

I mentioned in the first post that I got a seasonal part-time gig at Old Navy towards the end of October. I’m glad my gap in unemployment isn’t too big for my resume. After working the crazy holiday season, I was asked to stay on as a actual “sellebrity” which was exciting because A) I needed to keep working for money and B) not many people were asked to stay and I am so glad I was one of those people. It’s been a strange experience. The schedule is frustrating (I work basically every Saturday from 1-9, meaning I don’t get to have the normal fun weekends that other people do and I often work shifts that start at 5 or 6 am) because it’s not consistent and I never know what day it is. In the beginning, I was getting very few hours. One week, I literally worked a total of 8 hours. One day of work for a whole week. BUT, things looked up after our trip to Mexico. I started getting more and more shifts, usually working around 5 days a week (shifts ranging from 4-9 hours, which is great for retail!). Bigger paychecks, more face time to show what I can do.

Mexico (and the introduction of the Happier app around that time) really helped me put things in a positive perspective. I am prone to focus on the downside of the situation, but I have been enlightened. Life is a little bit easier to bear when you remember the little things that actually matter at the end of the day, week, month, year, decade.

Recently, a friend of mine died. We weren’t extremely close, our friendship existing more-so in one of the best summers of my life, 2012. The last time I spoke with him was before I quit Cross Valley. I was stopping at the liquor store to grab a much-needed bottle of cheap wine and he happened to be there, too. What was supposed to be a 5 minute (or less) stop turned into a half hour of talking. Catching up on the basics and eventually talking about my conundrum.
Though I hadn’t seen him since then, that conversation still sticks with me. When he passed away last week, I was in shock…we all were. And that’s because we all have had great experiences with him. He was a happy guy who enjoyed the finer things in life (“diamond taste” is how his stepmother put it) and left a piece of himself with every person he met (as his father put it). It’s so true. My sister, who was around him a few times, still remembers a conversation about a steak restaurant with him. That was probably over a year ago…but it stuck with her. The reason I believe this is the case is because he lived his life joyously. Everyone has problems and I didn’t know him well enough to know those…but what I saw of him was cigars and tall glasses of wine with tons of ice cubes. He was undeniably himself, no matter what.
It was sad to realize, but there was also a peace of mind to the fact that he touched so many lives in his short time and that we can all remember the positivity of his living.

That was a huge diversion, but it helps my point. That small conversation and our short friendship has stayed with me more than the drama of a place I worked at for 4 years. The good things, guys. The good, even little, things.

Being totally honest, I haven’t been looking for a full-time job and I need to get back on that horse. What I’m doing now is a huge step away from what I was doing, and I enjoy it very much. I love wearing whatever I want, listening to fun music, working with cool people of all ages, talking about clothes with the customers. But it’s not stable enough and I need to get a move on with my life. I desperately want to move out of my parents’ house (yeah, I’m still there) and work on future things like marriage. Those things can’t happen until I find that stability that I had with a full-time job minus the soul-sucking part of it all. Every job will have it’s moments, but it can’t be consistent and stagnant like that.

I realize I might not always get it right, and that I’m not exactly getting it right at the moment.
Am I in a happier place? Definitely. I could be a lot better, though. I want to grow up, but it’s hard.
The main issues is that I have no idea what I want to do and how to figure that out.
Suggestions are extremely welcome.

I will say, though, that it has been fun finding myself in different ways. Through scrapbooking and crafts, through opening myself up to people I didn’t think I would get along with, through being honest with myself and my family and friends and Brad about what I want (in the long-run), and even through the breakdowns that occur every so often when I experience a huge dose of reality. I am a jumbled mess and I have so much more work to go.
Hopefully, in the next six month review, I will be at a whole new place in my life.
Time to get to work.

Nose in a Book Pt. 2

Back in November, I wrote a post about my need to always have a book on hand. My obsession with books leads to scoping out Kindle daily deals, checking out which to-reads are at the library, and scoping out the best prices on used books. This has allowed me to accumulate quite a few books to add to my library…and the best part is…I STILL HAVEN’T READ ANY OF THEM. I looked at the picture of the books in the last post, and I read 0 of those books.
They are still waiting for me, with the addition of the above.

I pride myself in the fact that I often score my books for great prices. The above books were purchased used (both online and at flea markets), on clearance, or at a discount store. While one book (specifically hardcover) can run you close to thirty bucks, I got all of these for around that same price.

And, of course, the Kindle.
After Christmas, I got a couple of Amazon gift cards and went a little crazy buying books at 2-4 dollars a piece.
That changes the number of unread books from 9 to 19.

Last night, I tweeted that there are three things that I’ll never feel guilty about buying.
1. Nail polish
2. Mugs
3. Books

My growing collection of all of these things is proof.

Scrapbooking: In-Between and Outside

Last week, I mentioned my enthusiasm about starting a Project Life scrapbook.
It’s all I can think about, and I’ve been lucky to score a bigger binder and a 60 page photo pack (along with the Kraft Edition core kit, for the future I hope) while A.C. Moore stays open for it’s last month. The awesome thing is, a lot of the stuff ended up being “free” compared to online prices, and I think that’s ultimately what pushed me to just do it.
I’ve decided to take it one month at a time. Some people do a photo a day or scrapbook a week at a time.
I’ve been stashing my favorite photos from the month so far in a folder on my computer titled, simply, January that I will batch print at Walgreens and construct at the beginning of February. I’m worried about remembering certain details, things I want to write on the journaling cards, etc….but that’s what the photos are for. Sometimes, all it takes is a quick look to remember the feel of the moment. So I’m not too discouraged. Nervous as heck, but not discouraged.

In the meantime, a huge part of me is dying to get the ball rolling. And sure, I’m doing something by taking pictures. But I’m not constructing anything. Nothing is coming together. That’s when I found Smash book. After work on Saturday, I walked through TJ Maxx. I was looking for some cheap and cute stationary, since I’ve also decided to start corresponding with friends via snail mail. (Like…I’m doing a lot of stuff right now to stay distracted while my life sometimes feels like it’s falling apart…save that for another time.) I happened upon a ton of these cute, pre-designed scrapbooks and fell in love. I bought the Mod Design and grabbed a roll of their washi tape and some page tabs (all of it was under $10, even with the $1 I donated to charity at the end of the transaction, proving why I love TJ Maxx and Marshalls forever). The next day, I was wandering around Michael’s craft store and saw that their Smash products were on clearance! An 80 piece set (tape, a list notebook, different fun phrases and stickers to put in the book, etc.) including another book was $6. So…yeah…I needed it. I was SO EXCITED to actually be able to start doing something crafty and scrapbook-y before I started Project Life.  And yeah…I was scared, too.

Cut to today. After cleaning a great portion of my room last week, I have photos and ticket stubs and all those good things from the past several years all organized. So I grabbed everything I wanted to use, pulled out all the craft supplies I’ve gotten so far, and sat down to start a Smash book. I don’t think I could’ve done it without the help of Lorde…I listened to her album and EP 3 times through while doing it.
It’s nowhere near done, of course. I completed seven pages, but I’m proud of what I’ve done so far.
Doing it gave me a sense of accomplishment that I can’t wait to experience when doing Project Life.
At first, I had a great fear of screwing up pictures and pieces of my life that I’ve held onto for a while. Then I realized that this was way better than hiding them in bins and boxes and allowing them to collect dust.
As I got further in, I started to actually cut some photos (reassuring myself that there are copies on my computer and/or phone as well) and get a bit more creative. It was a really fun experience, and it kept my mind off of all the junk that’s been wanting to get in there because I was surrounded by all of the wonderful things I love.
Here are some photos I took while I worked:

 

When I cleaned my room, I finally put a gift Brad got me for Christmas in 2012 to use: a craft organizer.
It’s fun to open it up and see all the goodies, and I set up at the kitchen table to spread out and work.
Coffee in the cutest fox mug provided the fuel.

 
 

Finally putting ticket stubs to good use. I wrote about the little experiences that went along with the concerts or movies, if I could. Don Jon wasn’t a favorite movie, but it was the first (and only) time I ever went to the movies by myself, so it’s something I will never forget.

 
 
 

Some of the layouts. I made sure to write special memories, my thoughts and feelings, and lists of my favorite things that I’ve shared with these people. The pet page is a particular favorite. None of these dogs are mine, but I get to play with and love them…they deserve such a big space.

I’m excited about the page holders, because it will be fun to open to exactly where I’d like to be when looking back.

Basically, I’m excited I did this. It gave me the boost I needed to realize that, as long as I dedicate myself and follow-through, I can achieve this little goal of mine. It’s overwhelming and satisfying.

My Story, Lately…

I realize that I haven’t shared the story of my life right now.
For a while now, I’ve wanted to start a new blog. I’m still working on it and I write pieces for it regularly, but the space isn’t ready yet and I don’t want to launch it undone. So, for now, I figured I would share the story of my life for the past two months, as it has been one of the weirder periods of my life.

Starting at the beginning, I first got my job as a teller at a local credit union in November of 2009. I was working part-time at Blockbuster before that (still one of my favorite jobs ever, I will miss you BB!), but back then, you got kicked off your parents’ health insurance the month you graduated and, of course, you were expected to immediately have a job. Graduating in the middle of the recession was tough, for all my friends. But especially someone like me, who majored in mass communications, a tough field as it is, with no actual direction. In an effort to make more money and not live in my robe on my days off (which was 5 out of 7 days a week), I put in a resume to the credit union and got the job pretty quickly, thanks to a college friend who worked there.

I was scared the first day. So much to learn and to know and be wary of. Many jobs have risk factors, but dealing with money is always a frightening thing. You don’t want to make errors. Despite my initial doubts, though, I did pretty well pretty quickly and I felt comfortable in the job. I liked having a set schedule with paid holidays, PTO, incentive and Christmas bonuses, and health insurance. It was a great way to get started in the workforce.

I didn’t love the job all of the time, there were many days I cried, but I didn’t really start to hate my job until the summer of 2011. Things got rough for me, with anxiety and depression crippling the already stressful nature of my job, and I really wanted an out. Though I looked for jobs frequently, I didn’t have much luck. I could’ve searched harder, but I would be so wiped, so tired just from the anxiety, that I’d end up throwing on sweats and being lazy. I’d feel productive around 10 a.m., but 5 p.m. would roll around and it was gone.

This year was the last straw. Not only was I having a hard time with the job personally, it got bad professionally.
Morale was at an all-time low and I dreaded getting out of bed in the morning. I came back from vacation not refreshed, but completely on edge. I was jealous of people who actually felt like they had been productive at work. 
I would have shitty days or okay days. I never came home feeling like I learned something or succeeded.
I was stagnant and making the least amount of money of anyone I knew. (Money, by the way, isn’t the most important thing to me. But at the crappy job, it didn’t help that I wasn’t making any. Still living at home. No car of my own. Paycheck to paycheck and no joy to make it worthwhile.)

Towards the end of August, I had an epiphany: I don’t have to stay here.
Silly, I know, as we in America are lucky enough to have this free will. But I didn’t think it possible. No real nest egg, no future prospects, the fear of letting people down both at work and at home by just leaving.
But after the billionth morning of crying, Brad had convinced me that I really should do it.
I still wasn’t sure…but I went to work the following week and cried within the first hour of being there. Not a couple of tears, but rather a hysterical burst. That was it. I’d been able to keep my composure at work, but not any more.
The next day, I handed in my notice. My final day was September 27th, Brad’s birthday.

To be honest, transitioning out of that work schedule was super easy. I really didn’t like it, so it never felt like I was missing something. I was finally trying get things back. I also have had the pleasure of sharing unemployment/semi-employment (as I like to call it, with my friend Jenna), with one of my best friends. We were both sick my first week and shared in each other’s fears and excitements for the future. Neither of us had left our jobs the same way, but they were both unhealthy environments. We are better off without them, absolutely.

I’ve had a majority of crises since that last day.
What am I going to do with my life? Am I capable?
Will I actually find a job? Can I find something that will give my life purpose and meaning?
I ask myself these questions every second of every day.

I’ve had a few interviews, one of which I was really excited about. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out.
In the meantime, I’ve started working at Old Navy part-time for the season. I’m happy to be making some money and getting out of the house. It’s rough sometimes. The schedule changes every week and most days I start work at 6 am.
It’s not the end-all, of course. But at least I actually feel productive there! I don’t just stand at a register. I help do things behind the scenes and it’s fun! I’m still looking for the next chapter every day, but I will say that I’m happy to be doing this (and not dreading every single work day) and struggling a little than I did having a full-time job that I hated.

I wouldn’t recommend the way I did things to everyone. If I could’ve, I would’ve saved more and really dedicated my life to finding a job to transition into. But I was at a point that I felt like, if I didn’t just leave, I’d never leave. Seriously.
That scared me more than anything. I could say that I wouldn’t be there next month or next year, but I knew it wouldn’t happen. I needed to take the leap. So I did. Life is a rollercoaster, every day, and I want to make my life meaningful.
I have a hard time staying motivated, dedicating myself to the hunt…but I have faith.

So that’s my life right now.

Have any of you ever done anything like this? How did you get through it?

 

Nose in a Book

It’s impossible for me to go onto Goodreads or sift through my Entertainment Weekly without finding a new book to read. If I had all the time in the world (and, let’s face it, I do have quite a bit of time on my hands right now), I’d read all of them all of the time. My list grows every week…adding new books from a variety of genres. I have this thing where I absolutely hate to be without a book. That doesn’t mean I need to have a book on me at all times…I just have to be reading a book. There has to be one waiting for me on the nightstand, a page marked for my return.
And there always ALWAYS has to be one waiting for me after that. It used to be that I would make sure to have one back up on hand, but my love of books (and Amazon) has left me with an overstock of un-read books.
Security blanket books. I have a list of over 100 (and counting) books to read when that stash depletes.

On the top of the pile in that picture is my Kindle, which currently has 9 unread books on it (one of which is Infinite Jest, a 1000+ page book that was a daily deal and I couldn’t turn it down, even though I’ll probably never get around to it). I have had The Heart Broke In since February and haven’t gotten around to reading it. I’m also putting off the Tropper because it’s the only book of his I haven’t read yet, and I’m sad to be without one for an extended period of time.

As I spend my days trying to figure myself out, it’s been really eye-opening to see what makes me me. Growing up, books were my life, but that died down for a while. My love for reading came back with my job at the credit union (9the only good thing to come out of that place for myself, really) and I’m so glad…I have read so many wonderful books and now I have favorite authors. Things that feel kind of adult and wonderful.
I’ve always said I wanted to be a part of a book club….when will I finally take the plunge and do it?

Earlier this year, I made a challenge to read 52 books…a bit outlandish now that I look back at it. It might have worked out, but life happened…things got in the way, motivation was lost, I’d be too tired to read and my normal reading time got cut. Still, I’ve read over 30 books this year and I’m excited to read some more and see the final total (and try another challenge next year!).

If you interested in what I’m reading before I make a post, or to see what I have read or will be reading, check out my Goodreads profile! If you have a profile, come follow me! I love seeing what everyone is reading and loving.

My Tech Drive

I know I just read Feed, and that that could be why I’ve been thinking an awful lot about my dependence upon the technological devices I own.  But, to be honest, it’s something that has been on my mind since I got my first iPhone back in 2010.

A little backstory…

My first cell phone was a Nokia. My family, all 4 of us, got the same phone and had a family plan and it was part of a Christmas present in the year 2003. It was really exciting! At that point for me, cell phones were basically used to keep in touch with your parents if you needed a ride home from the movies or to see when your friends were going to meet you. Texts were not the norm, but they happened.
After a perfect storm of cell phone usage issues involving every person in my family, my father decided to stop the plan and I went cell-free for my Freshman and Sophomore years of college. Fun fact: My dad still doesn’t use a cell phone, save for a Tracfone that is never on and is only used for emergencies. My mom doesn’t have one at all.

I took it upon myself, once I started working at Blockbuster in 2007, to get a Virgin Mobile phone. It was cheap and basic. I had a small minute plan and a small text plan. It did me fine, but I always seemed to go over in minutes and need to update my month…it got really annoying and I was spending more than saving. That’s when, in the beginning of my senior year of college, I decided to join AT&T and get a real phone. I picked a super cute, white and red Samsung QWERTY keyboard phone that would make it easier to text, which was definitely a popular form of communication in 2008/2009. I got a small minute plan and unlimited texts and I felt pretty cool.
The phone did me well for a while, but my clumsy self dropped it multiple times and it suffered some water damage. I was patient and dealt with it’s fickle ways until it was upgrade time in 2010. At that point, iPhones had been around for about 3 years. I knew 3 people who owned one. My sister, her Apple-obsessed boyfriend, and my friend Dana. I never really thought about getting one, and even debated an Android phone (Brad had one at the time), but I saw the video Apple released about the iPhone 4, with it’s Retina Display and it’s HD video and it’s sleek new design and suddenly…I NEEDED IT. There were no other options…I was getting an iPhone.

I vowed to myself that, despite what I saw with other people, I wouldn’t let myself get too involved with my phone. I was silly. It’s not just that everything I could ever possibly imagine is at my fingertips (I probably buy more things through Amazon Mobile than through the actual website). It’s opened a whole new world to me, a world of social media, of sharing photos on Instagram and tiny videos on Vine and all of my thoughts on Twitter and communicating with people in a whole new way. iPhones, Androids, tablets like iPads and Kindles have done wonders for the world. They are amazing devices, and I believe they do a lot of good.

Cut to now…

When Brad and I first started spending nights together, we would wake up in the morning and talk and cuddle and laugh and slowly wake up and ease into the day. It was fun. Granted, I think a lot of relationships have those amazing moments in the beginning. Do you want to know what happens now? Do you want to know what happens even when I am at home, without Brad? I check my phone. I say “Good morning” or I turn off my alarm and then I immediately check Instagram notifications and make sure I’m up to date on the Twitter world. It’s like I don’t even know how to actually look around at my life, the world, without first checking a tiny device first.
(Let it be known that Brad does this too, I’m not a total jerkface!)

My phone is always on the table, the couch, the chair no matter where I go. If I’m having a good time it’s like “PHOTO OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN, MUST INSTAGRAM AND TWEET IMMEDIATELY.” If I’m bored, I have to play Candy Crush Saga. If I hear a song I like, I have to Soundtrack it and share it. If my coffee or my sandwich looks cool, it has to go on Instagram. If I’m at a store and I see something cool, I have to check Amazon to see if I can find it at a better price.

The sad truth is, sometimes a weekend with Brad ends and I worry I’ve spent more time looking at the iPhone screen than I have at his handsome face. I feel like I’m missing out on life, despite the fact that I feel like putting everything on social media and on my iPhone means I’m living it more. It scares me, it does. I want to be able to step away. I want to be able to unplug, but the thought scares me.

There is no doubt that technology rules the world in so many ways. I’m so thankful for the doors that have opened to me because of it, and those are just a few. Think of all the ways it’s helped the WORLD. Still, I don’t want to be a girl with a phone for a hand. I don’t want to keep having conversations in which I only hear half of what you said and respond with a lot of “hmms” and “yeahs” that don’t correspond.
I DON’T WANT A CHIP IN MY HEAD, YOU CAN’T CONTROL ME.

I know I’m going to try and take more measures to step away from the phone. And the computer, I guess, but trust me, I can walk away from the laptop. It’s leaving the room without my iPhone that’s the hard part. I don’t know if I can do it…if WE can do it. I love how I’ve been able to document my life in teeny tiny ways. But I don’t want to miss my life documenting it. I still want to LIVE.

Me Lately

Just some facts and statements and thoughts and happenings currently…

Waking up and getting ready for works is getting harder and harder. I’m pretty sure I’m in my mid-year, it’s-supposed-to-be-summer-vacation slump. Thankfully, I have my week vacation (staycation for us) in about a month. Very necessary.
My eating habits have gotten out of control. It’s not even that I’m  a snacker, constantly eating. It’s just that when I DO eat, it’s the worst stuff and a lot of it. I don’t know how to just stop when I’m comfortably satiated. I really need to work on this.
I also need to work on going to the gym again. I actually love exercising, but it’s one of those things where you get stuck in a trap of not going/doing and it’s hard to make that first step. I just need to make that first step!!!
Last night was the first in 10 days that I slept at my house. I have been spending my days at Brad’s. I don’t actually live there, though we’ve talked about it. I feel at home both there and with my parents, but neither of them feel like MY HOME. I’m 25. I need to move out.
Speaking of being 25, I feel most “my age” when I’m spending time with my boyfriend and my best friends friends. Sitting on porches, sharing bottles of wine, laughing and getting bitten by bugs…those are my happiest moments.
I miss my sister like crazy. And I don’t miss her just because I’ve been staying at Brad’s. I work a normal 9-5ish schedule, and she works 3-11(or later), so our free time conflicts and the only time we can see each other is on the weekend. I need some sis time.
Money has been a big stress in my life lately. I am beyond grateful to have A job, even if it isn’t THE job, simply because I have a handle on student loans/cell phone and med bills/gas, but that’s about all I can handle. I’m not asking for tons extra, but it would be nice to be able to afford a new car, an apartment, and maybe some new clothes and books on my Kindle.
Speaking of my Kindle, I feel sad and lost if I don’t have it on me. It’s funny, because before I got it, I was buying so many used books for great prices off of Amazon. And now I just buy a book at a time at (almost) full price. So maybe it actually was a better choice, since the publishers are actually making money off of my purchases? I don’t know, I don’t think I should have to justify my e-book. I know that physical paper books are better (and I still love them and buy them), but the Kindle has made reading instantly accessible and a lot more fun.
And speaking of books, I see absolutely nothing wrong with reading YA novels, even though I’m 25. I’m pretty much 14 at heart anyways. And there are a lot of good YA novels out there. And a good book is a good book (BRAD).
Ever since I got my little dish garden, I’ve become obsessed with letting it grow and flourish. I really wanna be a good plant mama.
Twitter and Instagram and Blogger > Facebook

That’s all for now.

“The Lady-Child”

In the last issue of Entertainment Weekly (my Bible, basically), there was an article written by Melissa Maerz that really resonated with me. It was titled “Hollywood Goes Girl Crazy” and it discussed the influx of movies/TV shows with female characters that don’t really seem to have their life together. A character like this would be the “Lady-Child,” similar to the  man-child popularized by actors like Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, etc. What brought this to the author’s attention was the premiere of the new HBO show (by one of my heroes Lena Dunham) Girls.
I’ve seen the two episodes that have aired so far, and I am in love. I’ve also seen Lena Dunham’s feature film Tiny Furniture,
and I loved that too. The reason I love these both so much is because I can relate.

In a little less than a month, I will be 25 years old. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not old by any means. However, I feel like I’m supposed to be somewhere I’m nowhere near. I live at home. I graduated Magna Cum Laude with a BA in Mass Communications and I work a job that pays me little more than minimum wage and requires no knowledge beyond a high school diploma. I drive a 1993 Buick that is rusting more and more everyday. The biggest issue of them all? I haven’t the slightest idea what I really, truly, absolutely want to do with my life.
And that is what makes furthering my life that much harder.
I’m really putting my feelings and fears on this page for you guys right now.

Brad teases me, but I have to agree; I am a 14 year old inside.
I live for Young Adult novels and frilly fiction books.
I get massive crushes on celebrities I’ll never meet.
I fangirl like crazy.
I still sleep with a stuffed animal when I’m not with Brad.
I am instantly attracted to anything involving Hello Kitty.
I spend more money on nail polish than anyone with my budget should.
If I lived on my own, I’d probably live off of canned soup, omelets, and grilled cheese.

I couldn’t be happier that there are more characters out there in movies and on TV that I can actually relate to. I’ve enjoyed shows like Gossip Girl or The O.C. and I love romantic comedies, but they show a…less realistic lifestyle. I don’t want to say it’s unrealistic.
It’s just not common.

Last year, I read the book One Day. It was a good read, but there was a relatable part, in which the female lead said something about feeling as though, after college, she regressed back to her adolescence. I completely agreed. I went from living away from home at school to coming right back to the life I had before that freedom. I lost some of my confidence, my drive. Being under the same roof as your parents can sorta make you feel young all over again. Not fun.

I don’t want to be this way forever. I want to figure myself out. But in the mean time, I’m so thankful that shows like Girls exists,
that movies like Bridesmaids are there for me to laugh at and cry with.
I need movies and TV shows that depict life as it truly is. I need to see the breakdown, so I know that I’m not alone.
And so that, maybe, I can be motivated to make some change.

My Hair and Me

Any frequent (2) readers out there may have noticed I am usually having issues with my hair. I’ve done quite a few posts about it overtime, mostly about my indecisiveness towards growing it out versus cutting it (here’s a good example). I guess I kept thinking I either had to keep growing it super long or cut it all right off. I didn’t think about doing anything  in between. But it hit me suddenly. Last Spring and Summer held some of the greatest times of my life, and not just because I was spending it by the pool and around friends and falling in love again. I had the perfect hair for my low-maintenance and length needs. I didn’t have to stress about it 24/7.

I think once I get past a certain point, I just can’t handle the ‘do anymore. I’m at that point. Granted, I haven’t had a haircut or trim or anything since before Christmas. But it’s just falling flat. The bangs I once had just don’t do it for me anymore. There’s no shape…no punch or POW. I’ve always been one for layers, something to mess with. And I remembered my hair around this time until the end of summer and it hit me: I should go back to that look.

It may seem like nothing special…and it’s not. Just a lot of layers (mostly because I was still in the process of awkwardly growing out some old pixie layers) and bangs that would eventually be long enough to bobby pin and twist off to the side, something I’m really hoping to do soon enough. I enjoyed having longer bangs. There’s a lot more versatility, and many ways to make them look shorter than they are.

I know, you’re like WHY DID I HAVE TO LOOK AT HER FACE SO MANY TIMES? But there’s a common thread here…I’M SMILING! Ok, maybe not so much in the top picture, but I love my hair in these photos. It’s silly, I know, but I’m so glad it hit me. I’m a little nervous about cutting it and shedding a few inches, especially since the looks above only really came from a couple of shape-up trims that were already at the length. I don’t know if it can be matched. But this is what works for me. It’s long enough that I feel feminine and I can style it in many ways. But it’s short enough that it doesn’t have to be under the hair dryer or in the irons for very long, saving my hair the dreaded fried and dry look. Also, because my hair can get thin, having a bit of a shorter length plumps it up. It’s the perfect solution, especially with humidity and heat just around the corner. Not sure when I’m going to schedule the appointment, but I’m glad I’ve finally decided what to do. I may not be able to do milkmaid braids or complicated up-dos afterwards (like I’m even doing them now…), but I know that I will feel like me.

And that’s the most important thing.

In the Bag

I’ve always wanted to do a “Look inside my purse” post, but it was my friend’s new blog (check it out!) that gave me the final push. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not super exciting…but it’s a little glimpse to my life.

The bag itself is nothing super special or expensive. I have a tendency to use the same purse over and over until it’s ripped and shredded and completely unusable. I bought this bag about a month or so ago at Ross, because my previous purse had holes inside (I was constantly losing keys) and was chipping on the outside. I fell in love with the soft texture and the multiple pockets and pouches. I immediately imagined throwing in my cameras and film comfortably, along with the regular purse products, and that’s what sealed the deal. So now, a look inside.

These are belongings currently in the front pouches of the purse…

1. My Zune. Maybe you’ll find this odd, but I have never owned an iPod in my life (I do not count the iPhone, because I don’t use it as such). This was given to me for free by my friend’s ex (though he wasn’t her ex at the time). I’m really lucky to have a working MP3 player I didn’t have to pay a cent for.
2. These are the two camera phone lenses I got for Christmas from Photojojo! One is a fisheye, the other is a 2 in 1 wide angle/macro lens. I love them both, but I haven’t used them as much as I’d like. It’s a pain because I have to take my phone case off every time I want to use one.
3. This is a mini composition book I use to write all sorts of things in. Mostly grocery store lists, or things I want to do, or even little blog ideas I have when I’m not by the computer and am afraid I’ll forget.
4. This cloth cleans my eyeglasses. Super boring, but I wear my glasses to work every single day and I’d be lost (or blurry-visioned) without it.

This is the inside of the bag.

1. I threw this camera guide in my purse as soon as I got done putting my baby together. I like having it nearby, even if I don’t always refer to it.
2. A cheap pair of sunglasses from Target. It’s important to always have sunglasses…I hate squinting.
3. This is my iPhone. I don’t always have it inside the purse…it’s kind of always in my hand. The case is from Uncommon. It’s my second case in about half a year…but at least it was the case that broke and not my phone :) .
4. This is a little, simple, dollar store pouch I got years ago. I use it to store all my girly belongings that I don’t want floating around in my purse. The two items inside I use most are on top. I am lost without Clean and Clear Oil Blotters. And, though I still stand by my Rosebud Salve, I recently fell in love with EOS lip balms (So much so that Brad’s V-Day treat for me was an egg carton filled with a variety of them). Cute, small, perfectly contoured, and very soothing. Most lip balms are sticky or waxy…not so with this sucker. Plus, the circular shape is a conversation starter and the scents are fantastic.
5. Diana Mini. The random camera in my purse changes depending on what I currently have loaded with film. And I am also in love with her and can’t wait to get more film developed!
6. Nasal Spray. Sexy, right? Ever since my surgery in October, it’s been a staple. And in the cold, dry, winter weather months, it’s a godsend.
7. Pocketo wallet from Target. As soon as I saw this, I had to have it. Love the colors and the designs. It’s also got tons of slots and pockets so I can fit my cards and check register and money and movie tickets and things I like to keep.
8. Random mustache from a coin machine. I have yet to open it, but I can’t get myself to take it out of the purse, even though it’s been in there since before Christmas. You never know when you’ll need a fake ‘stache.
9. Burt’s Bees Beeswax and Banana hand cream. This is heavy duty. I got it because regular lotion doesn’t work on my hands this time of year. It leaves the skin greasy for a tiny bit, but the yummy smell and softness afterwards are totally worth it, plus it still lasts after a good hand wash or two.
10. A little crank flashlight I got from work. You never know when you’ll need it, so you have to be prepared!!!

Weekend-end…

I have nothing to show for this weekend. Just a hors d'oeuvres, Half-Baked ice cream, How I Met Your Mother-induced hangover.

Saw this on one of my favorite blogs. Since I enjoy answering questions…even if you don’t like reading the answers…I figured I’d do this. I have nothing else to say anyways…

"It’s Sunday, and raining very hard here in New York. We suggest spending the day reading the latest issue of Lula, guest-edited by Rodarte’s Kate and Laura Mulleavy. If can’t get to the newsstand just now, at least take this questionnaire, dreamed up by the sisters years ago when Kate’s best friend Autumn “started dating a new new guy that I thought we should know more about.” In Lula, everyone from Cindy Sherman to Jason Schwartzman succumbed." - Fashionista.

Favorite play?
I unfortunately haven’t seen many plays. Actually…that’s a lie. I used to go to pretty much every play that the King’s Players put on. And I liked a bunch. But I couldn’t tell you the names if you forced me at gunpoint.

What was your first love?
Probably a book. The first thing I ever got super passionate about in life was writing. Always carrying a notebook, a pen, and whatever book I was reading at the time. I was in elementary school and I was obsessed. It slowly died…but I want to write more and I definitely wish I read more novels.

Favorite language?
You have to go with French. Pretty much every language is beautiful in it’s own way. I’d say Italian is pretty close. But how can you deny the beauty of French, the way it rolls off the tongue (other people…not mine)?

Who is your most loved character in literature?
Unfortunately, I have nothing super fantastic or fancy or to put here. I have so much more to read (and I’ll be honest…I still read a lot of young adult fiction and such…I still feel like a teen). But my favorite (especially because I found her so relatable) is Jessica Darling (see here). The books are written in journal-form. The language and issues are real. Not sugar-coated. And you can’t find these in the Young Adult section.

Favorite room?
Brad’s bedroom. I wish I had my own place. And I miss my old college bedroom.

Favorite place to read a book?
I pretty much just read at work. And I’ll tell ya something…I don’t hate it. But I also love a nice beach setup.

Favorite place in NY?
I haven’t been to NY enough to actually have one. Yes, I was just there last week. But I’ve pretty much just done the tourist-y thing. One day, I’ll have a better answer for you.

Favorite color?
This is a toughie. I kinda like ‘em all. For some reason, I tend to gravitate towards blues. But I wouldn’t call it my favorite.

Favorite painter/painting?
I’m terrible. I don’t really know art very well. But I have some pretty artistic people in my life. Quite a few of my friends (and my sister) have dabbled in this…and they were all fantastic :) .

Favorite thing to collect?
Oh, definitely cameras. I plan on building this collection, forever. But it’s very hard for me to part with movie theater tickets. I have ones in pretty much mint condition from my junior high days.

Favorite mystery?
Playing Clue is some of the best fun you’ll ever have.

Favorite flower?
How can you choose?

Favorite sea creature?
Dolphins, if I must choose.

Favorite smell?
I’ve always loved warm smells…food cooking or baking, cinnamon. I also love the smell of fresh clean clothes and shampooed hair.

If I gave you a medal right now, what would it be for?
Anxiety and Procrastination…it’s a tie.

Favorite texture?
Anything smooth.

Favorite flavor?
I love food so much, this is tough. I tend to go for savory or a bit spicy…but I do enjoy the occasional sweet, typically chocolate thing. But I like when things are very savory. Example would be that I love wings that are both a bit hot and spicy while still having an almost sweet flavor to them. Yum.

What’s the first thing you think of when I say red?
Christmas.

Night or day?
I am and always will be a night owl, but I enjoy a good day that’s pretty much an open book.

Favorite villain?
Hmmm…I’m sure I’ve sorta rooted for the bad guy at some point. Patrick Bateman or something like that. And pretty much everyone on the show Boardwalk Empire is a bad guy in some way.

Favorite silent film star?
Most movies before like…1987 scare the bejessus outta me. So I couldn’t tell ya.

Favorite artist?
I won’t lie…I enjoy a good Lichtenstein. I’ve always loved the art of comic books anyways…that classic old-school feel. Maybe it’s from growing up with the Archie comics. Again, I’m not really into art. So if he is considered a painter…throw him on there too (I’m just embarrassing myself, aren’t I? haha)

Molly Ringwald or Ally Sheedy?
Probably neither. Back in the day, I wouldn’t have crushed on them.

C.S. Lewis or Freud?
Unsure.

Tents or motels?
Both have a certain creepy factor. I almost feel like a tent would be safer for some reason. Maybe less germs…

Favorite musical instrument?
If there is a cello, I will probably fall in love. I adore when strings are mixed in with the basic guitar, drum, bass combo. But I have always been partial to piano as well.

Thunder or lightning?
Because lightning can lead to power outages, injury, and damage, I have to go with thunder. Though lightning can be beautiful.

Tea or coffee?
I’m a tea girl. Always have been. Coffee just isn’t for me. I’ve had my moments with it. If I drink it at all, it’s iced coffee. And pretty much only from Dunkin’ Donuts.

Wine or beer?
Definitely a tough choice. Wine is a go-to. I’d go pick up a bottle (or jug…maybe even a box, if I’m feeling fancy) of wine before buying myself a six-pack. But I love beer.

Lemon or lime?
Lemon for my water. Lime for my beer and mixed drinks.

Monday or Friday?
Oh definitely Friday. Are you kidding me? Mondays kinda suck. Maybe if I had good things to look forward to…but I don’t.

February or December?
December. Come on, the holidays? February is sort of an inbetween month. Spring is still a bit too far away for me to enjoy it.

Christmas or Halloween?
Both have good qualities. Obviously, Christmas seems like the right choice. But Halloween can be very fun, as I realized this year. And there isn’t as much stress and money involved.

Rosemary’s Baby or Hannah and Her Sisters?
I couldn’t tell you. So many movies I must see.

J.D. Salinger or Jack Kerouac?
I can’t answer this…I’m terrible.

Hats or scarves?
Scarves.

Julie Christie or Vanessa Redgrave?
Redgrave.

Marilyn Monroe or Elizabeth Taylor?
I don’t like either…

Cary Grant or Jimmy Stewart?
Jimmy Stewart.

Las Vegas or Atlantic City?
Neither. Gambling cities of sin aren’t my forte.

Rain or sun?
Sunshine will always brighten my day (oy, so cheesy, but it literally makes for a better day no matter what). Rainy days are only good for relaxing and taking it easy.

Spiderman or Superman?
Spiderman.

Cats or dogs?
I used to hate both. Then I started to warm up to dogs. I’d still say they are, but kittens are just as cute. But I guess I only like them when they are tiny.

Ice cream or sorbet?
Ice cream fo sho.

Beatles or Rolling Stones?
I gotta be honest…I don’t really care much for either. They both have some songs I like…but neither are even on my mp3, let alone something I’d listen to regularly.

Favorite fun fair ride of all time?
I love rollercoasters. I always will. But those Italian swings are classic, as well.

Favorite sidekick?
Tough one to choose. My sister is sorta my number one choice. Sure, we fight, but we pick right back up. And we both have similar interests so we do fun things.

What are the initials of the last person you kissed?
BJB.

What characteristics do you most envy in others?
Numero uno would definitely be ambition. Not only am I unsure of what I want to do with my life, even if I did know, I probably would be too shy to go for it. I’m jealous of people who can go up to anyone and start a conversation or try anything without any fear. Dos would probably be anyone who is super active. I am lazy, I say I’m going to do something and I don’t (unless it’s things like eating too much or spending too much money. When it comes to exercise or waking up on time or eating healthy or being creative, it’s tough).

If you could fly, where is the first place you would go?
Hmm..I kinda wanna see everything, everywhere. I think I’d go to Italy.

Have you ever won a medal or a prize–if so, what?
I don’t believe so. Probably something when I was younger.

What is your secret dream?
To become a dancer. I am enthralled by the way one can interpret a song by storytelling with their body. And also, when people can pop their booties.

Favorite season?
There are things I love about them all. But I think I like the seasons of change…Spring and Fall. New beginnings or endings. I enjoy summer because it’s that quintessential time for freedom and leisure and warm and going nowhere and somewhere all at once. And winter, though chilly, is the season of cuddling and hot beverages and layers. But fall and spring…you can’t go wrong. Both are gorgeous in the ways they change and shift.

What is your greatest love?
How can I know? Will I ever know?

Favorite currency?
As someone who deals with it on a daily basis…I’d have to go for a 50 dolla bill.

Favorite city?
I haven’t been too enough to know for sure, but the one place I always feel at home? Philly. I would love to live there…even if only for a little while.

Favorite imaginary place?
All the places in my favorite shows and movies that don’t exist.

Favorite planet?
Earth’s all I know.

Favorite children’s book?
I loved this big book of Richard Scarry stories growing up. And all of the golden books, especially ones about manners (which I don’t really have) and We Help Mommy, where the kids do chores (which I don’t really do)…

Favorite candy?
I enjoy peanut M&Ms. And Sour Patch Kids. I like movie candy.

Favorite name [and it cannot be your own]?
Kieran.

25 Things

Remember when the “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” thing was huge on Facebook? It’s still something celebrities do in US Weekly magazine. It’s a little silly and pointless. Why are we always so eager to share so much about ourselves? But it’s fun, in a way, to tell people things and maybe have them relate. To not feel alone in our little quirks and secrets. Well, whatever. I thought I’d do this anyways.

1. Instead of daydreaming about romantic situations and crushes, I often fantasize about what food I’d like to eat that day.
2. I am allergic to shellfish. Or I was. I haven’t tested myself. I kind of want to, though. I’m curious about crab legs and lobster.
3. Photography was one of my least favorite classes in college. And now, I love it. Go figure. (Still have no clue what I’m doing, so I mostly consider it “picture taking.”)
4. I’m like 95% sure about naming my first born son Kieran. After Kieran Culkin. Macaulay’s brother. You know, Fuller from Home Alone. I don’t know why…it just stuck with me.
5. I’ve never been a big purse girl. I find one I like, and then I use it until it’s worn out with holes or completely unusable.
6. I would love to be a dancer. Preferably something like hip hop or modern. Life is better when I’m dancing, but I never do it.
7. I can’t turn down tacos or Chinese.
8. I prefer beer over liquor. But wine and beer are very close contenders.
9. I’ve always had crushes on the underdogs, or the weirder, funny, nerdy guys. I would pick Jason Segel or Michael Cera over Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp any day.
10. Skinny jeans or bust for me.
11. I prefer salty to sweet.
12. I overthink everything. It has been and will be my downfall, surely.
13. I have a tendency to get attached to movie and TV show characters (and the movies and shows themselves).
14. I rarely pay full price for clothes. I’m all about the clearance racks. And Salvation Army.
15. Tea>Coffee
16. I have the worst posture, especially when I sit, and not only is it horrible looking, but it’s really starting to hurt me.
17. My head is my Achilles’ Heel. I am always hitting it off something, and I’m always freaking out about it every single time. I’ve seriously considered purchasing a helmet to wear everyday, no matter how ridiculous I’d look.
18. Bobby pins are my calling card. I leave them everywhere.
19. I believe in manifest destiny. A lot of things I hoped and wished for have happened, all due to positive and consistent thinking. I know it seems strange…but it’s true.
20. No matter what I do, I can’t go to bed earlier than midnight.
21. My greatest fear is death.
22. My years in college have been, so far, the best years of my life.
23. I am really good at starting things. Horrible at following through or finishing.
24. I have to put lotion on right after a shower. If I don’t have any, I’m angry.
25. I don’t wear jewelry. Sometimes I’ll wear a necklace. But for the most part, I’m au natural.

What are 25 things people don’t know about you?
It was kind of hard to pick. And it’s not really all that special. But whatever haha.

Life Improvement

Last week was very rough. I was having a lot of anxiety over life and mortality and faith and other things that will just make me sound like a stoner. It was not fun. But this week, I’ve been doing so much better. I’m getting over things a lot quicker. I’m working on it though. Still have my fearful moments. But you learn from those. And in this case, I feel so blessed and thankful that I have been chosen for some reason to be on this earth and live this life and breathe this air and taste delicious foods and wear pretty clothes and hug people and kiss and fall in love and share moments and smell yummy scents and learn and teach and grow and change and experience LIFE.

A while back, I read this and I’ve been wanting to gather a list of things I need/want to do to make this life an even better experience for me. I guess my fear gave me the final kick in the ass that I needed to do it. So…here goes…

• Stop cursing, at least as much as I do
• Take a vitamin everyday
• Drink more milk, even if it’s just a couple glasses a week
• Exercise more, even if it’s just once a week
• Take responsibility for/be responsible in all of my actions
• Stop eating fast food as frequently, or, when I do, order one or two things only (Yeah, I usually get at least 3 things)
• Listen to music everytime I drive (it’s sometimes the only time I get to at home)
• Start planning little day trips or weekend getaways.
• See more of the states and, eventually, the world
• Focus on the people and things I love as opposed to the people and things I hate/make me angry
• Start going to bed earlier, even if it’s just by a half hour
• Take more “me time” that involves less of the computer and more reading/writing
• Utilize all of my creativity through fashion, photography, and writing, all things that I feel passionate about but don’t give as much attention physically as I do mentally
• Keep in touch with friends I don’t get to see at least once a week
• Expel the bad people from my life once and for all
• Put my guard up a little more. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I usually get used/manipulated for this.
• Stand up for myself.
• Contribute to people who sincerely need it, whether it be by donations or through volunteering
• Stop and smile as often as possible
• Cry when I feel like crying, laugh when I feel like laughing
• Never let anyone change me but me
• Try something new as often as possible (food, music, makeup, activities, etc.)
• Enjoy every moment as much as possible and cherish everything I have because I am so very very lucky
• Cherish being young and being able to be a little selfish

I could probably go on forever. But this is good for now.

Average Girl Beauty Recommendations

I am far from a glamour girl and I’m nowhere near perfect. My tastes in make up and products have changed a lot over the years. But there are some things I’ve stood by for a long time, that maybe even changed my life in a way. So why not take the time to discuss?

My skin isn’t flawless and perfect. Man, I wish. I’ve been through lots with it and luckily, it’s been doing pretty well. Over time, I can probably credit Cetaphil face wash for that. I was introduced by a dermatologist, which was interesting because many before her had prescribed me all kinds of medicated, smelly washes. This is a simple, non-irritating formula that I swear by and have been using religiously since high school. I feel like a lot of us get pissed off with our unruly breakouts and try and attack. But sometimes, all you need is a simple wash that keeps everything in order without stripping all the necessities.

I know there is a competitor but C.O. Bigelow’s Rose Salve is easier for my to obtain and I don’t use anything else. I’m not one for lip gloss and I think lipstick looks weird on me, so I’ve always been a lip balm girl. Unfortunately, the sticks tend to dry my lips out more than moisturize them. This tin lasts for a long time…I’m pretty sure I’ve been using the same one since before I graduated college. It actually makes my lips feel soft and smooth and it just makes them look and feel healthier. It may seem strange to put something scented like flowers on your lips but there is no taste and the smell is so light it disappears pretty quickly. I am a big advocate of this product. 

When it comes to makeup, less is more for me lately. When I have a lot of make up on, I don’t feel like myself. I like when my skin can shine through. I’m not perfect and sometimes heavy makeup just accentuates that. So I stick with concealers and blush. The one place I can have fun and experiment is mascara. But I almost always run to the Rimmel aisle. The mascaras are priced well and there are all kinds of formulas you can try. I go through them pretty quickly because I love loading it on. I’d recommend any one of their mascaras, but I am currently using the one above, which is the latest product.

Moisturizing  is super tough for me because I have combination skin. If I don’t moisturize enough, I get dry spots. If I use something too greasy, I am an oil slick. So finding something good was hard for me. I’ve been using this Aveeno moisturizer on and off for years now (sometimes I use something a bit creamier for colder weather) and whenever I stray, I always come crawling back. The formula is perfect for my oily streak, because it almost mattes it down. And yet, I’m still soft and smooth.

So there ya have it. I know it’s not much, but I’m pretty low-maintenance when it comes to beauty products.

Zombie

I am extremely exhausted. Thank goodness the week is halfway over. I just wish I had another long weekend to celebrate with. But soon enough…

Things keep happening in my life to confirm the thought “Everything happens for a reason.” And all of them are in a good way. A few days ago, I felt really boring. I’ve always been crazy and loud and fun and I started to realize that, since I work full-time now, my life is based around quiet evenings and being sleepy. I started to miss college life and feel bad that I am not as social as I once was.

But then I had a conversation that made me realize that I am so much better off this way. The friends in my life, the ones that have stayed by my side through it all and hang out with me as much as possible in the week, are practically my family. I love them very much. They’re my friends because we all get along, love the same things, and have fun times together. The people I don’t talk to much, that I maybe had a few fun bar times with…well…I don’t miss them much. I’ve let a lot of weird people into my life. We all do at some point. But I don’t need drama. I don’t need negativity. I’ve been very happy lately, with no need to complain. And I realized it’s because I have my real friends by my side.

I guess the point is, I spend a lot of time alone these days, more than I used to at school. My parents think otherwise (I still get out of the house pretty much every other day). I miss random drinking nights and apartment parties and meeting new people and I hope to have more of those in my future. But I like my anti-social moments because they teach me a lot about myself. I like learning who I want to be and the types of people I want around me.

And even though I get to see my lovely friends a lot…there are still some scattered out there, all over…I miss their faces.