Changes.

I never thought this day would come. I mean, I knew it would…but it seemed so far away. So distant. So unbelievable. One of the most important people in my life, for so very many reasons, is leaving NEPA for Texas (Air Force/Boot Camp/School) today. It is, for me, the end of an era. I know we will stay in touch, and I’m separated from the majority of my best friends, but he has been a constant in my life since 2004 (I’ve known him since 2002). And, even though two of my closest friends live in NY and NJ, they are no more than a 3 1/2 hour drive away. Regardless, it’ll be sad not to have him around for our TV nights and La Tolteca trips, Hickory Run lake days or photo adventures.

I have too many pictures. I can’t narrow it down.
I just wish him all the best, hope for his happiness and safety.

It’s not “Goodbye.” It’s just a “See ya later.”

A “The Weekend is So Close” Happy List

I’m putting it lightly when I say that the last couple of weeks have been tough. One of the lessons in the book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (an amazing book I received as a birthday present from Brad last year that I couldn’t recommend more) is “Be Aware of the Snowball Effect of Your Thinking.” And it couldn’t be more true. When you’re in a good mood, everything seems perfect. You love your friends and family, your job, the weather, everything you’re doing. But when a bad mood strikes, that’s it. You hate everyone in your life and want to be alone. You curse yourself and feel like you can’t do anything right. Work sucks. People suck. The world sucks. Life sucks. It’s so easy to get sucked into the negative downward spiral of a bad mood…and it can totally consume your life.

I suppose that’s where I’ve been lately. Every ache and pain, which can be normal, gets my brain cogs moving in overdrive. My skin is annoyingly pubescent at the moment. Waking up is a dreaded and complicated process. The thought of wearing anything other than my Danskin comfy pants is exhausting.

I cannot just snap out of these things, unfortunately. It’s not in my blood, in my genes. But little steps help. Watching a movie with friends. Brad visiting me at home (it feels like I haven’t seen him in ages..). Reading happy blogs. Whatever. I’m hoping that, with a little extra help and some rallying inside of myself, I will snap back to the regular me…the one that randomly disappeared a couple of weeks ago.

But back to the original purpose of the post…the happy list! The good things in life! The silver lining in the cloud.

• Gold Peak white tea with citrus
• Community. I didn’t like it at first, but it really grew on me. Such a funny and happy show.
• My Tuesday/Thursday TV nights with friends. Glee, Parks and Rec, Jersey Shore. Yes I watch the Jersey Shore. And I absolutely love it. Whatevah.
• Ke$ha songs. This might get me in trouble too, and my boyf hates her. But they are so catchy and fun. Sometimes I just want to dance, forget about worries, listen to things that don’t drag me in deeper.
• Peel-Off face masks
• Planning outfits in my head for the weekend and fun times
• Spring will be here soon enough
• Planning out my summer vacation

Winter Funk.

I’m starting to debate whether or not my winter blues is just the winter blues. I’m in an absolute and terrible funk. It’s tough to think about and get out of now, but I’ve been here before…I know I can do it.

Currently missing…
Light jackets. Sunshine. Driving with the windows down. Bare legs. The first warm days of Spring. Cherry blossoms. Dinner on the deck. Grilled food. Wandering around with my camera. Days at the lake. Floating in the pool. Sun kissed shoulders. Corona and lime. Late nights. Vacation. Sleepy post-swim body. Sunglasses. Green grass. Corn on the cob. Painted toes. Skirts and dresses without freezing. Strappy sandals. Tan lines. Fresh air. Cutting my jeans into shorts.

Missing college…

Real life has yet to compare to my college days. Sigh…

P.S. I changed my blog title a bit…I dunno if it’ll stick but I thought I’d give it a whirl…I’m hoping to make some changes, but I always say that.

BFFFFFFFFFF

Yes, one of my best friends is a boy. And I miss him so much. Rafter is currently recovering from some surgery. He lives in New Jersey. And I desperately wish I was there watching cheesy movies and laughing forever with him…

{This is him and our friend, Mark, who I also miss!!!}

Damn this crazy life and schedule. I’d honestly road trip right away if I could. For some reason, as I was posting these pictures, this song popped into my head. I am only 23 years old but I’ve never felt so old and boring. I hate that. I was a fun person!

But luckily, whenever I’m with someone like Rafter…I feel like a 23 year old again. And that makes me happy…

(Even though it isn’t as often as it should be or as often as I’d like…damn, I need to change some things in my life.)

Sunday/Monday Bluez

So, I can’t help it. I love the weekend, but Sunday nights can be brutal. I usually spend the second half of what’s supposed to be a peaceful, restful day anxious and nervous about the coming work week. So, I was amused today when I read a small article on the Glamour (magazine) app about this exact issue. A whopping 90% of y’all feel this way. And that makes me feel much better. And also a little sad…because…well…it sucks.

Old School…

On a boring, lazy, quiet Friday night in (yes, another night in for me), I really miss college. Yes, I still miss it…even after all this time. The real world has not matched the wonderful world of King’s yet. I’m sure it will exceed it soon enough…but ‘til then, it’s nice to remember…

There’s too many to go through…looking at these makes me really sad.

A case of the Mondays…

Sunday nights can be really bittersweet. I had an amazing weekend (the little bit of it I can even call a weekend) and it was so tough to juggle my insane happiness and insane sadness. Oh, next weekend…come here quickly!

{This is where I wish I could stay for a while…}

Pictures of the weekend to come tomorrow…

Weekend.

Why does the weekend always fly by? Especially when it’s perfect and relaxing and all that good stuff?

I don’t have any pictures to show of it. I had a delicious pizza and wings dinner and fun on Friday, family time yesterday, and today I’ve been lounging, went for an invigorating walk, and I’ll be watching the season finale of True Blood tonight.

Not excited about the week ahead. Excited about the weekend, again, because more stuff will come and go and relieve me of my daily stresses.

Hope you all had a great weekend, and I hope you have an even better week!

Forward

Oh, in case you didn’t know, I’m back to work tomorrow. As anyone could expect, I’m not happy about it. But who would be? I think what makes it hurt even more is the fact that I don’t really have anything else solid to look forward to. I had to pick my time off by April 1st, so it’s been a work in progress since then. All the concerts I bought tickets for are over. Basically, any little getaways and plans and scheduled fun have come to a close.

So I have to make new plans, I suppose.

But unfortunately, summer is nearing it’s end. It’s August. The second week. The last summer month, really. Kids will be going back to school in a couple of weeks. The trees will eventually get all orange and brown and fall off and then, it’ll be winter…and I hate winter (Good thing I enjoy fall!).

As my life changes, it’s hard to tell what I will be doing next week, let alone in a couple of months. I’m hoping things will stay the same. Well, in the positive way, not in the habit of me beating myself up. Mostly, I’m concerned about spending time with my friends, family, and cameras. Can’t go wrong with that.

And, it doesn’t hurt that I have a pretty package coming from Forever 21. I like looking forward to the arrival of fun mail…

Ruffles, frills, collars. Girly fun!

Harsh Times

Things were going so well, but I guess you can’t enjoy the highs if you don’t go through the lows. At first, I was just feeling funky and weird. Then, unfortunately, a few things happened that complicated my life. Oh, and there’s also the fact that I always complicate my life even more. I’m trying really hard to get over this hump. I’m hoping I don’t have to deal with it or worry about things for too much longer. But, as all these experiences usually do, I’m thinking of a lot of things I want to change.

• I need to start doing exercise. Even if I just start doing it once a week for 20 minutes. I always feel better. It’s not too look good. It’s too feel better, to exercise my body and mind.
• I need to start eating better. Less processed foods. I want to start reading labels and picking foods that have very few ingredients, or at the very least, very few ingredients I don’t recognize.
• I need to start going to bed earlier. I stay up killing brain cells and hurting my eyes (and sometimes crushing my soul) looking at Facebook all night. I should be getting well rested, so I can wake up and have some time in the morning to get ready, have a good breakfast, and not feel like crap when I get to work.
• I need to be more responsible with my heart. I tend to feel bad doing things I want to do or doing the right thing for myself because I worry about how other people will feel. And then, I get my heart broken or my trust betrayed and I end up in horrible situations I could’ve very easily avoided. I feel bad that I can’t wear my heart on my sleeve. But I guess it’s more so that I should be choosy about who I do that with.
• I need to be strong and tough. I need to tackle issues head on. I need to stop feeling bad for myself and just forget about it and let things happen.

I need some retail therapy. I need a good time. Good food. Good people around me. No worries or stress. I just want to get back to good again.

Reeling

I am still feeling the effects of the series finale of Lost. This is the first time I’ve witnessed the end of such a groundbreaking show that has been an important part of my life for the last few years. I am completely satisfied with the end, because it reminded me of why I loved the show in the first place…all of the characters and the relationships they had.

There are, I’m sure, so many angry and disappointed fans who feel as though they’ve wasted their life waiting for answers to questions that got pushed aside. Well, let me remind you of the entire first season. The struggle to survive. The philosophical questions: Why did they land there? What is the purpose of the island? What is their purpose for being there? Was it coincidence or destiny?

The show has always been about faith and science, philosophy and purpose, life and death. It was easy to forget amongst all the time-traveling and polar bears and (at the time unknown) smoke monster business. But the show brought it around full circle, managed to turn me into a blubbering child, and remind me why I held out and why I love this show so much.

I’m so thankful I got to experience this show, because it wasn’t just great entertainment. It served as a great way to bond with many of my friends, both at school and at home. It’s a common factor for a lot of people, and it’s fun to share something so passionately.

The End of an Era

As you or any of your fanatic friends may know, tonight is the final episode of Lost. 6 years of insanity is coming to a close, and I am nervous and excited and sad.

Though I haven’t been watching the show since it first released in 2004 (I caught up in time to finish the 4th season, a couple years ago), I pretty much instantly fell in love (I can only imagine how people who have followed and waited patiently since the beginning for this feel). Name another show like this for me on television, I dare you. There is action and suspense and humor, romance and horror and passion. And you’ve probably heard, a lot of confusion and unanswered questions.

Perhaps that’s why I am so nervous for tonight. By 11:30 this evening, one of my favorite shows will have ended, and I don’t know if I will be satisfied or confused or angry or just completely done with the show. I have watched many a series finale, but (since there’s nothing out there that’s truly like this) this one has a lot to live up to, because it’s created a foundation on keeping people guessing. I don’t know. But it will be missed. I’m in disbelief. But I suppose I’m ready to see what they’ve wanted to show us since the beginning.

To commemorate, here are a few key moments that define the show.

Oh, please don’t upset me…

{All pictures from Google image}

EDIT: I am happy. And sad. But I’m okay with that.

Changeling

Today ended up being a very trying day for me. I don’t know if it was my lack of sleep, my hormones, the full moon, or the nerves, but I was teetering on the edge of hysterics for most of the day. I had several quick breakdowns once I finally got home (one was triggered by the new Macy’s commercial, another by a sentence someone told me about 4 years ago). I know this is a good thing, the new chapter, the next step. But…I don’t know, man.

There’s so much to learn, so much to be done. But what kills me is, I already know this isn’t something I’m passionate about. And it’s fine because it’s money and it’s benefits and it’s a stepping stone. But I wasn’t prepared for this. To get serious. I don’t want to be tired at 9:30 PM. That’s not me.

I miss college. I miss power hour after dinner. I miss movie nights at Rafter’s room in the Ramada. I miss walking down the block and being at my best friend’s place or my favorite bar. I miss King’s Cup and Flip Cup. I miss blasting my music so loud and getting ready to go out. And not worrying about going out until 10 PM. I miss staying up until 4 AM. I wish there was a way I could do it all over again. Especially senior year. And completely different this time. For starters, maybe I wouldn’t cut my hair so short again. Among other things.

I know it’s crazy to say so soon but I’m scared of losing my youth. I don’t want to stop doing crazy things ever. I don’t want to come home from work and be home all night. I want to do things and see things. Be places. I will work for the future. I will work for the life I want. Even if it sucks for now.

TTFN

I’ll miss you, bare legs. You did me good there for a few months. I’ll see you again, pasty and white, next year. ‘Til then I’ll make sure you feel fancy in bright tights and warm in skinny jeans.

Grumpy Gus

Today was an average day. But by the end of it, I had become such a grouch.

I like to think that everything in my life, good and bad, is leading me down the path I’m supposed to be on. Everything happens for a reason, as they say. So I try not to worry about things that I can’t change right now, specifically things in the past.

Unfortunately, I find my regrets catching up to me every now and again. It’s all very pointless, I know. And usually I get over it after a few hours. But it’s not fun at all to look back at things you wish you had or hadn’t done (big and small), especially when it tends to be the same things all the time.

I always try to tell myself that it would’ve gone the other way if it was absolutely supposed to. But it’s hard to stay in that mentality. Things I need to work on…

In other news, if I were still a King’s College student and not just an alumni, I would’ve been moving back in this week. Ordering prints of photos for my wall. Covering my wall in multi-colored pieces of paper. Rearranging what little furniture the school provided me with. Drinking with friends who lived a quick walk away. Laughing. Dreading classes in the morning.

I’m sad. I can’t lie. Though I don’t really feel like I should be there anymore, it’s still hard to think that this is really it. Perhaps that’s why I’m so funky lately.

Sure, my wall was concrete and cold in the winter. If you didn’t cover everything in pictures and posters, it would look like you were trapped in a prison. But I loved it all the same. I still miss ya.

Nothing But the Truth

Below is a list of things that truly, honestly, and wholeheartedly suck.

• Wanting something you can’t have
• Pretending everything is okay when it isn’t
• Feeling pressure to do things, rather than support
• Realizing you have been wrong about something the whole time (especially when everyone else was right)
• Watching things get worse and feeling unable to change it (especially when the people around you are not having a hard time)
• Anticipating the worst
• Hating anything or anyone for reasons that are beyond your control
• Losing control of your life and/or a situation
• The feeling of your heart shattering into microscopic pieces
• Being ashamed of the truth, whatever it is

I wrote this post, not to seem angst-y and depressed, but to put a list of things out there that I feel everyone goes through and, when they do, they feel alone. I might not have the solution to these problems (otherwise I wouldn’t know that they suck in the first place), but I think that knowing you share common ground, that you aren’t the only one dealing with pain…well, that can help in some way.

I did.

A week or so ago, I complained that I wouldn’t be able to see a couple of films recently released because they didn’t come to my hometown. Well, I got to see 500 Days of Summer last Friday. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I read on someone’s blog that they expected to love it and they didn’t. You’ll have that, of course. But I can’t help but think that the only reason why is because it isn’t your typical Romantic Comedy where everyone is happy in the end and it all makes sense and all the problems are solved. It’s real. And I appreciated that, so very very much.

I was going through old posts and came across this, which I blogged a few days before I complained. And I am so glad I remembered because it reminded me of what might be my favorite part of the film. It is sad…it is heart-wrenching…I couldn’t even watch it again when I found it on YouTube. But…here’s a small taste of it. Please watch it. And please go see the movie if you can. And drop the expectations…as they often lead to…well…you know.

The Downside.

(Random pic of me and sis, who is hogging technology)

I love my Holga. However…

It’s not cool to spend 9 dollars on a tiny amount of pictures only to find that most of them didn’t even come out. This is probably why. Boo.

Oh well…they say to "Keep On Truckin’".

Can’t believe…

About 5 years ago, I fell in love with the album “Forget What You Know” by Midtown. It is a great fall album.

This is one of my favorite songs.

Unfortunately, the band broke up. And the lead singer…well…he’s still working. But this is what he’s up to now:

I guess he figured out the way to make money these days. But I’ll always love him for Midtown.