When Life Gives You Lemons…

I know I’m not alone in saying that times have been tough lately. At least, I hope I’m not. I’m not trying to say I want us all to be miserable, but I suppose I want to know that we all go through it and we all come back on the other side.

I could go on a tangent telling you every little/big/stupid/important thing that is bothering me right now, but what’s the point?
Complaining won’t help anything. And worrying will only hurt the situation. So what do you do?

I’ve recently had to (and continue to have to) really consider what I need/want in life. I can’t be frivolous with money.
I can’t have everything I want. I am not perfect. I won’t ever be. 
It’s good to accept these things, but it doesn’t stop you from getting funky from time to time.

So what do you do? How do you make it better?
I could very easily lay in bed every night after I come home from work, stay in sweatpants for the majority of my days, eating terribly unhealthy junk food, skip showers for days at a time, and not give a hoot about my life in general. And honestly, that’s sometimes what I feel like doing. Like giving up, to put it in simply.

But you can’t do that. So here I am.
I look at job websites everyday, keeping my eyes open for new endeavors.
I make choices, even if they suck, so that I can have money for gas and bills and necessities and not overly-fret about being broke.
I embrace my creative side by plotting blog posts, attempting to be crafty, and daydreaming (no one should ever stop daydreaming!).
I lose myself in the books I stock up on and always have handy so I never go a day without reading something.
I take time to breathe and enjoy the world, enjoy the sky and the trees, the things I can enjoy no matter what.
I spend time with my family, friends, with Brad, talking and enjoying company.
And I enjoy my own company. I like to be alone. Sometimes, it’s all I want. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

This is my life right now, and I’m going with the flow. It’s not how I want it to be, by a long shot, but if anything, I want to appreciate the fact that I have what I do have, that it could always be worse, and even so, it will always get better.

25

I feel the need to get a little serious for a moment.

It is very easy for me to forget my age. It’s not intentional, it’s just that it never really mattered that much to me. Aside from turning 21 and being able to legally buy alcohol, each birthday has just meant adding a new digit to the age box. I don’t really fear getting older, though I do want to enjoy the selfish, young years while I still can. And I am pretty sure I’ll always be a little goofy and crazy and never really grow up.

But let’s be honest. 25 is a rough time. Maybe every age is rough in it’s own way…but 25 has this certain…extra hump to tackle.

The thing is, I am smack dab in the middle of my 20s. When I turned 20, I was still in college. I still had a couple of years to go. I still had classes to schedule, papers to write, presentations to prepare, parties to go to on the weekend. Things weren’t 100% set in stone, but I knew what the next couple years of my life would look like. I went into my 20s knowing what to expect for the next few years, and I was totally coddled by those expectations and ideals. I was just another college student doing collegiate and crazy things.

When I graduated college, I felt a huge gap open in my life. I was only working part-time at Blockbuster Video (remember that popular video chain that used to be everywhere but is now a world wonder if you can find an open one?), with no actual idea what I wanted to really do in my life. I suppose I never knew. I chose Mass Communications as my major because a) I knew it would interest me and b) it was the only major with careers attached to it that I could possibly see myself doing. I always loved writing, talking, creating…but I didn’t nail a specific thing to focus on, so my education was for naught. I don’t regret going to college but I don’t know if it really helped me in an economical way. During that post-grad summer, I spent a lot of time in my pink fluffy robe, watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall an embarrassing amount of times, refusing to eat most of the time, and lamenting over my loneliness and lack of direction in life.

When I got the job I have now (it’s been nearly 3 years, oy), I was excited to be one of the first people I knew to get a full-time gig with health insurance and benefits. It has absolutely nothing to do with anything I ever studied in my life or anything I’ve ever wanted to do, but it was something I thought about doing for a little while and it happened to fall in my lap. Now, I just can’t get it out of my lap. Or get out of it’s lap?
I don’t know.

Slowly but surely, my friends all got jobs, careers even (I am surrounded by graphic designers and teachers…why is that my main group of friends? Not that it matters, I love y’all.), made enough money to move out of the house or out of the town or made something different of themselves. Meanwhile, I am still sleeping in the bed I got when I was 13 in a sloppy bedroom I don’t really care to clean cuz I’d rather just move out, under my parents’ roof, with family arguments and debates over bathroom and laundry time. If you asked me at the beginning of my 20s if I thought I’d still be here at age 25…I’d have said no. But I wouldn’t have had a better answer for you either.

To top it all off, more and more people are popping up engaged or married. I’m super-happy for these people, but I don’t plan on getting married anytime super soon. I want to, and I can see it being a thing in the future, but I don’t want to do that until I’m financially stable and more comfortable in life…and I haven’t the slightest idea when that might be.
I don’t even know how I’ll react when my first pregnant friend comes forward. I may go catatonic for a few days.

I can’t help but feel completely lost at this point in time. I’m not sure what I want to be. I don’t make enough money to drive a car other than my ‘93 Buick, to move out of my parents’ house, to even pay a little extra on the bills I owe. I just want to be financially stable. I know with more money comes more responsibility. I don’t expect to ever be rich or have everything I want (I wouldn’t know what that would be anyway), but I certainly don’t want to be 30 years old and still at home. Lord save me if that happens.

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of good things in my life. I’m lucky my parents allow me to stay in their house without paying rent (just make them a yummy dinner every Thursday…small price to pay). I’m lucky to have a wonderful boyfriend who is also my best friend. I’m lucky to have amazing friends who accept me for the crazy gal I am. I have a good life when you take away all the “important” things.

I don’t know what the point of this rambling is.

I know I’m the one who has to make choices and take action. Nothing will happen unless I do this.
I guess I just wanted to share how I feel.

In case I’m not alone.
I hope I’m not alone.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (and other things I’m extremely awful at)

These days have been very stressful. I’m on edge, grumpy, cranky, and easily irritated. And while, yes, I enjoy focusing only on the good…why not write a ranting list to get it off my chest and move the heck on already?

• Yes, my name is Michal Lynn. That’s my whole first name. Pronounced like Michael. And No…my father’s name isn’t Michael. So…just stop asking me all the time. It’s been 23 years of this crap already (ask my parents instead, I didn’t name myself). I’m done.
• It would be really nice to sleep at least 7 hours every night. And for the whole night, instead of having horrible nightmares and occasional bathroom trips shake me out of it all too often.
• My beautiful Fuji Instax 7s has been on the fritz. The flash won’t work, so pictures don’t turn out. I have yet to try it in the daylight (though the flash is always meant to go off), but regardless, I’ve had it less than a year, I still have packs of film left for it, and I didn’t do anything to hurt it.
• I’m really, painfully, harmfully lazy. So, I should’ve called about the camera and have it sent out to be checked already since there’s a year warranty. And I should’ve cleaned my room a dozen times. And I should’ve done so many other things…I know, I know.
• It’s really annoying to live 30 minutes away from the person you are dating. I know there are people who endure way worse (how did my sister and her boyfriend manage for months at a time, states apart, for real?), but on days like these, it’d be so nice to take a quick drive over, cuddle for an hour, and go back to whatever else I need to be doing.
• How did I become friends (on Facebook, as well) with so many teachers? It has been rough seeing Snow Day statuses while I struggled with all my might to get out of bed and into work.
• Have I mentioned the WEATHER?

Well…that felt better. I’ve noticed February has been a depressing month via blog thus far. Once this week is over, I have plenty of wonderful things to look forward to and you can bet your bottom dollar all will be well in this world again. I just gotta kick the next few days in the ass.

Tired and ready for the weekend…

I can’t stress this enough, but I don’t like to get too personal on the blog. I love sharing stories and pictures of good things…I don’t want to use this blog as a forum to rant. But I’m exhausted and more than ready for the weekend. Some things changed at work, and now I’m going between two offices. Even though I end the week closer to home (and I can come home during my lunch break), there’s a lot of stuff to get used to. And now, my first Saturday shift is tomorrow and I’m nervous. And also…I just don’t feel like working. But Monday is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and I have that off. And because I have that off, and I don’t work next Saturday, I will have a four day week. So…as much as I want to whine and complain, I still get two (and a half) days to rest before next week, which will be a whole day shorter than the usual work week.

Gotta think positive, right?

In weekend news, I have a couple of little plans here and there but nothing huge and nothing that feels concrete. So who knows where my free days will take me? I only hope I have some stories, pictures, and positivity to share with y’all come the new week.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Friday with Friends

I love when all (or most) of my friends are in town.

This Friday, we decided to check out our newly reopened favorite bar (under a new name and new management) and found out that it’s better than before, but still cozy and comfortable (minus the secondhand smoke)(I am all about parenthesis this post…).

I tend to forget it, sad as it sounds, but being with these people makes me so happy. It’s easy, when in a relationship and balancing a full-time job, to forget about good, old-fashioned fun (not that I don’t have fun with Brad, of course!). But going out, having a couple of drinks, dancing, singing, and laughing all make me feel like a 23 year old. I often walk into work in the mornings feeling like a ghost…a shadow of myself. That may sound depressing, but it’s true. The people I see the majority of the week don’t see the movies I see, or listen to my music, or read the books and magazines I like. I have no one to talk to about the things I love and get excited about on a regular basis. I do see and talk to my friends nearly daily…but it’s just not the same if we’re gathering in front of a TV all the time. So it was nice to change it up and remind myself that I’m young.

   
{All photos taken with the Hipstamatic app on my iPhone. I love to do the “Shake to Randomize” option, thus the various picture types. I should probably start picking and choosing my favorites…}

Friday Rant

Fridays are supposed to be the day to look forward to. The end of the work/school week. The beginning of a couple of days of freedom. You make plans with friends or lovers or family to spend time. You can stay up late and sleep in later.

Except for when you have to work the next day…and your brain is fried to the point of exhaustion and grumpiness. And when your coworkers are tossing around strep throat or some other infection. I hate living in dread of getting sick. And I can’t afford it so…tonight’s dinner? Chicken soup and multiple cups of green tea. And a heavy dose of mind over matter.

Luckily, my weekend will begin at 1 PM tomorrow and it should prove to be as wonderful and relaxing and fun and unpredictable as all the others. So…I’ll work for that…

In the meantime, here are some pictures from Wednesday with Brad…

{He smokes. I hate it. But this was a cool shot anyway.}

Likes/Dislikes

Likes:

• Water with lemon
• Sleeping/cuddling in a big comfy bed all day
• Hummus
• Playing with cameras/camera apps
• Spending time indoors with the family
• Netflix
• Fresh air
• New clothes
• Daydreaming about what my life can be

Dislikes:

• Having to wake up and go to work
• Being nervous about any new situation
• Letting anxiety get the best of me
• Arguing with people who care the most
• Dreaming more than doing
• Going to bed upset
• Feeling inadequate
• Comparing myself to other people
• Caring what other people think

And that’s all folks. On to the next one…

Some Facts…

• My favorite time of the day is when the sun is beginning to set and everything is golden, especially in the summer when you can still feel the warmth on your skin.
• The dill pickles from the Country Cottage in Jim Thorpe, PA are honestly one of the best things I’ve ever tasted. I cannot eat and thoroughly enjoy any other pickles.
• I largely dislike when people don’t respond to my text messages, phone calls, or any attempt to communicate. One thing to do it when it’s just a simple statement. But when I ask a question or, even worse, I haven’t talked to you in a while and I thought we were really good friends…you’re hurting my feelings.
• I’m trying really hard to not let the little things bother me (see failure above). I want to make sure I worry about the right people and the right things, instead of wasting precious moments giving a crap about people/things that obviously don’t give one about me.

Stickwitchu

Lately, I’ve been catching a lot of flack for my vehicle. Ok, so she’s 17 years old. She’s a dull and lackluster gray color. She’s the size of a sail boat. She has bench seats equipped with a middle seat belt for the front. She only has a tape player and the speakers always make a high pitched whirring noise that’s even worse in between songs. And, up until Thursday when the muffler decided to finally just fall off, she was extremely loud.

I don’t really care about any of these things. Because she is mine. She works. There have been a few problems with the heat fan and muffler (see above haha), but they’ve been fixed and she runs smoothly.

As a 22 year old still dealing with the fact that I’m no longer in college, facing college loan payments and other real world type things, I’m lucky to have something to get around in. It might not be cute and little or pretty or new, but I support it regardless.

So lay off already!

What’s in the past is OVER.

I need to remind myself this fact a lot. I haven’t had to lately, but sometimes this familiar feeling crawls into my heart and stomach and it makes me feel sick and sad.

And what’s the point?

None of it matters.

When did it ever matter?

Actually…it’s sometimes good to realize and remember these things, even if they hurt at the time because…I kind of need to. It’s a reality check. It makes me feel super-awful but I also kind of want to laugh.

I tend to think I get the shit end of the stick…but maybe I’ve had it all wrong this whole time. Maybe there still is some hope in someway somehow.

Grumpy Gus

Today was an average day. But by the end of it, I had become such a grouch.

I like to think that everything in my life, good and bad, is leading me down the path I’m supposed to be on. Everything happens for a reason, as they say. So I try not to worry about things that I can’t change right now, specifically things in the past.

Unfortunately, I find my regrets catching up to me every now and again. It’s all very pointless, I know. And usually I get over it after a few hours. But it’s not fun at all to look back at things you wish you had or hadn’t done (big and small), especially when it tends to be the same things all the time.

I always try to tell myself that it would’ve gone the other way if it was absolutely supposed to. But it’s hard to stay in that mentality. Things I need to work on…

In other news, if I were still a King’s College student and not just an alumni, I would’ve been moving back in this week. Ordering prints of photos for my wall. Covering my wall in multi-colored pieces of paper. Rearranging what little furniture the school provided me with. Drinking with friends who lived a quick walk away. Laughing. Dreading classes in the morning.

I’m sad. I can’t lie. Though I don’t really feel like I should be there anymore, it’s still hard to think that this is really it. Perhaps that’s why I’m so funky lately.

Sure, my wall was concrete and cold in the winter. If you didn’t cover everything in pictures and posters, it would look like you were trapped in a prison. But I loved it all the same. I still miss ya.

Limited Release

How frustrating is it to be stuck in a bum town?

Months ago I posted about two movies I really want to see. Paper Heart is coming out this Friday (visit the website, the video clips are so funny and cute!), but 500 Days of Summer was released a couple of weeks ago in all the major cities. They play commercials on TV constantly. Ads for it are found on nearly every site I visit. There’s even a cardboard poster set up at my hometown’s movie theater. Unfortunately, though, that means nothing. Considering the film is getting a decent amount of press, I might have the benefit of seeing it on the big screen. But that’s the pits about living in a small town. While I love my home and have no problem with where I grew up, we get deprived of that experience all too often. Movies like Garden State, Juno, and Napoleon Dynamite took a month or so to make it to our movie theater and stayed in for maybe two weeks max.

I have no doubt that I will see both of these movies, and that I will enjoy it very much so when I do. But I don’t want to trek to Philadelphia (even though I love my sister and it would be fun, I can’t afford the gas and tolls right now) when I want to see an entertaining film. So…if you can hear me…make your way on down to NEPA! You can count me in on a ticket.

One of those days

It’s so weird. You’re doing fine, great even, living your life. And then all of the sudden, a day, like any other ordinary day comes along and blows everything out of the water.

You are miserable, maybe even for no reason. Everyone and everything bothers you, or maybe just one in particular. Shit hits the fan or things come out of the blue. It is just not your day. You woke up fine and went to bed with a huge loss of hope.

I had one of those yesterday. I’m still reeling, like an anger hangover. An angerover. What a bummer.

On another note, I get my Holga photos after work today. And its finally really sunny without  cloud in sight and I’m supposed to go swimming after work too. So…here’s to better days!

Pet Peeves

I’d rather sit here and tell you about the things I love right now. I mean, that’s what I usually do anyways.  But I felt like it was time to share with you, as we all should at some point, the things that absolutely irritate me.

So now…a list of things that piss me off:

• Unreturned phone calls, texts, IMs, emails, messages, carrier pigeons…whatever
• Paying tolls on trips
• Bugs and, consequently, bug bites
• Clouds appearing on a day planned outside
• When my phone (I call him Peter) decides to shut on and off at any given time
• Tossing and turning all night
• When the people at the drive-thru forget to give you something you need (like a fork)
• When my nose gets stuffed on one side
• Stubbing my toe on my stupid bed
• Caffiene-induced anxiety
• When a pre-street movie doesn’t come in the back early enough and I have to wait 3 weeks to rent it

I could probably go on. I’m just in that mood. It’s unfortunate. But its fun to rant anyway!

Adulthood

I need to start growing up.
I need to set a bedtime and wake up time.
I need to look for a 9-5 job that will give me good benefits and a salary.
I need to get business attire because I will probably end up somewhere that doesn’t let me be myself at work.
I need to get insurance.
Pay loans.
Pay bills.
Eventually get my own place.

Damnit.

Why is it?

Everything comes down to lists these days. Lists of things to do. Lists of things you need. Lists of things you like. Lists of things you don’t like. Everywhere I look, I see a list. Or I’m creating one in my head.

They are helpful. The good ones can be funny or enlightening. They can remind you of things you love or things that must be done.

But now I feel like I’m making lists I can’t even keep up with. And I also feel like the next list I make will not be a fun one.

You know, sometimes you really do need to sit back and evaluate (and re-evaluate) the things in your life. The people. The habits. Your financial situation. I guess in some ways, its helpful. But its disappointing, too. To have to fix everything you do. To see what’s worth it, what’s not. To see if you’ll waste your time. To see if it will work out, if it ever really did. I need to do this. I don’t want to. But I need to.

At first I was worried this was me. But I don’t think I’ve used the word “bored” recently. Just disappointed and ready for action.

And in other news, I realized, after taking 12 pictures, that I had the film setting wrong on my Holga. Who knows if the pictures will even come out? I sure hope so. But it doesn’t matter anyway, because I don’t even know where I will be developing the pictures anyway!

Image from PaperTissue

Boo

I am in a complete funk. And to make matters worse, all of my issues have taken physical form and I won’t be going to Jim Thorpe today. I am miserable.

Image from Flickr

EDIT: Apologies for this post…though I’d rather update then delete it. It is genuine me after all. My problem was, I look forward to these times with friends. I feel like, these days, its hard to make a plan that will entertain everyone. But unfortunately, my stomach rebelled and left me forced to choose bed and a light, anti-diary diet for the next 24 hours…woopie. Jim Thorpe will always be there, along with more times with my friends. But it’s upsetting when your hopes get let down, eh? I just needed to get it off my chest.

Somethin’ wrong with that.

I don’t know if it’s my inability to sleep or my worry and stress, but I don’t feel or look much like myself these days. Makeup seems to fade quickly. My eyes have perma-circles. It’s disappointing. But I’m so uncomfortable at home. I miss my school bedroom. My comfy, slightly bigger bed (yes, my bed at school was bigger than my bed at home…not cool). My mind is so idle. I need to start doing more.

I guess I really need to work on myself physically. I’m trying to exercise more and take a multivitamin each day. But I definitely need to drink more water, eat more meals (and healthier ones too), and get out of the house as much as possible. I have a few fun things planned for my days off, on top of finishing up organizing my room and eventually making it a cozy place to be.

Just gotta be more care-free…

Insomnia

I don’t know what it is about being home, but I just can’t stick to a solid sleeping pattern. I barely slept last night and I worked my entire morning and afternoon away. I was out and about ‘til around 11 PM. I am still not tired though. It’s getting annoying. I watched 5 episodes of season 4 Weeds. I made oatmeal. I was in bed for the past 2 hours. I even had the lights off for a bit. Nothing is working.

So frustrating. Luckily I have the whole day off but I would rather not sleep it away.

I wish I had someone to share this with…maybe it’d be easier to sleep if I wasn’t alone.

Illustration by Jeff Plotkin

Don't of the Week - 5/11

I've decided to add some little features on my blog that I'll do weekly or so. Dos and Don'ts seem pretty basic, and I've already experience my Don't of the week so I thought you should be advised.

I'll preface by saying that I love movies. And yes, I work at Blockbuster so I know a bit too much about them because of my job. But I also have been looking into movies and trying to watch everything that seemed interesting to me since I was old enough to comprehend stories. So, well, that's why my first Don't is a film.


Have you seen the movie Donnie Darko?
Even if you haven't, I'm sure you've heard of it, as it became an insta-hipster cult classic back in 2002. I personally loved the movie when I first saw it. It was different, and that's hard to find. And sure, the plot is completely obscure and unsatisfying for those who crave the Conflict/Resolution approach to filmmaking. But there were great actors, including Jake Gyllenhaal, and a weird story that scared you but also sucked you in.


Well, they decided to milk that by creating S. Darko, the "sequel" or...as they call it "A Donnie Darko Tale" which I hope doesn't mean they will be making more of these tales. They took a good thing that many people love and ruined with a story that doesn't even rival the original. If the story has been this choppy in DDor the characters so unrelatable, it definitely wouldn't have made it as far as it did. I urge people not to see this, specifically if they loved Donnie Darko. It will not answer any questions, it will not shock you or entrance you. It will probably bore you. The only thing I did like was the pretty camera shots they took of Daveigh Chase, who reprised her role and grew up quite nicely.

So there you have it folks. It's just my opinion, but I'm definitely going to stand by it.

Pictures from unrealitymag and iconsoffright