A “The Weekend is So Close” Happy List

I’m putting it lightly when I say that the last couple of weeks have been tough. One of the lessons in the book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (an amazing book I received as a birthday present from Brad last year that I couldn’t recommend more) is “Be Aware of the Snowball Effect of Your Thinking.” And it couldn’t be more true. When you’re in a good mood, everything seems perfect. You love your friends and family, your job, the weather, everything you’re doing. But when a bad mood strikes, that’s it. You hate everyone in your life and want to be alone. You curse yourself and feel like you can’t do anything right. Work sucks. People suck. The world sucks. Life sucks. It’s so easy to get sucked into the negative downward spiral of a bad mood…and it can totally consume your life.

I suppose that’s where I’ve been lately. Every ache and pain, which can be normal, gets my brain cogs moving in overdrive. My skin is annoyingly pubescent at the moment. Waking up is a dreaded and complicated process. The thought of wearing anything other than my Danskin comfy pants is exhausting.

I cannot just snap out of these things, unfortunately. It’s not in my blood, in my genes. But little steps help. Watching a movie with friends. Brad visiting me at home (it feels like I haven’t seen him in ages..). Reading happy blogs. Whatever. I’m hoping that, with a little extra help and some rallying inside of myself, I will snap back to the regular me…the one that randomly disappeared a couple of weeks ago.

But back to the original purpose of the post…the happy list! The good things in life! The silver lining in the cloud.

• Gold Peak white tea with citrus
• Community. I didn’t like it at first, but it really grew on me. Such a funny and happy show.
• My Tuesday/Thursday TV nights with friends. Glee, Parks and Rec, Jersey Shore. Yes I watch the Jersey Shore. And I absolutely love it. Whatevah.
• Ke$ha songs. This might get me in trouble too, and my boyf hates her. But they are so catchy and fun. Sometimes I just want to dance, forget about worries, listen to things that don’t drag me in deeper.
• Peel-Off face masks
• Planning outfits in my head for the weekend and fun times
• Spring will be here soon enough
• Planning out my summer vacation

Reasons to smile this week…

It’s been a rough week thus far. Adjusting back from the holidays, half days, and shorter weeks. To top it off, a couple of things shifted around and changed at work, and it’s going to take some getting used to. However, every cloud has a silver lining, eh? So, instead of dwelling too hard on the negatives, I’ll look at the positives.

• Snuggling in my Slanket before bed
• Parks and Recreation Season 2 on DVD
• Sunshine (even if it’s still cold out)
• Watching Buffy with my friends
• My dance exercise DVDs
• Midweek dinner date with Brad (my treat!)
• Frozen yogurt, even after cleaning my plate at dinner
• Payday
• No work on Saturday
• Knowing my Saturday schedule for the year (I no longer have to work more than one in a row…more free time and weekend trips to follow!)
• Happiness and love so strong, my heart could burst

Sunday/Monday Bluez

So, I can’t help it. I love the weekend, but Sunday nights can be brutal. I usually spend the second half of what’s supposed to be a peaceful, restful day anxious and nervous about the coming work week. So, I was amused today when I read a small article on the Glamour (magazine) app about this exact issue. A whopping 90% of y’all feel this way. And that makes me feel much better. And also a little sad…because…well…it sucks.

Night In

It’s strange for me to have a night alone, in the house, doing a whole lot of nothing. I try to stay out of the house as long as possible. And be surrounded by people. Don’t get me wrong, I like my alone time. But I dunno…sometimes your house just ain’t ya home.

Regardless, it was nice to just chill out. I did some extracurricular work for my job, ordered and ate a dozen mild wings from 4th Street Pub (they are delicious, and I’ve been in a wing mood all week), watched Big Bang Theory, and cleaned off my dresser. I have so much work to do in my room (though I’d really just like to move away now). But it’s good to get things done, even if it is little by little…

Here’s an updated picture of my “camily.”

Tomorrow is Friday. That means I have a day and a half left of work before the weekend. Which means a day and a half until Brad’s brother’s wedding reception. And a few short days away from my first ever surgery. I’m nervous beyond words. But, I guess it’s an inevitable fact of life…? And it’s nothing huge. And it’ll be fine. Yeah…fine.

A case of the Mondays…

Sunday nights can be really bittersweet. I had an amazing weekend (the little bit of it I can even call a weekend) and it was so tough to juggle my insane happiness and insane sadness. Oh, next weekend…come here quickly!

{This is where I wish I could stay for a while…}

Pictures of the weekend to come tomorrow…

Reasons and Purposes

I guess I should’ve mentioned that a large part of my nervousness, anxiety, and extreme uprising of panic attacks has a lot to do with the fact that I have no idea why I am alive, why I am lucky enough to wake up in the morning and breathe fresh air and look at beautiful skies and feel cold breezes against my skin. Why I get to hug people, have people come into my life and change me and maybe I change them. Why I get to listen to music. Watch great movies. Experience things. Unfortunately, I’m letting all the wondering scare the shit out of me. I feel powerless. But I must have some sort of purpose. We all do.

Existential Crisis

I am having panic attacks lately about all the serious philosophical questions that one usually comes to ponder at one point in their life or another. The only difference is, people think about it and move on. I think about it and feel like I’m falling into a terrible pit of despair. The moment it hit me, it literally took seconds to ruin the next couple of days of my life. I don’t really want to blog about my mental issues, but I do want to keep going with it because this is one of the things I love in my life. I love music and movies and food and friendship. But I’m letting all these crazy thoughts and things I have no control over worry me. Currently, I’m stable. So I’m going to keep trying to sleep, because I honestly feel that I have exhaustion and burning the candle at both ends to blame for my sudden weakness. I guess the reason I wanted to mention it on here is because I want people to know that they aren’t alone if they worry like this. I feel alone, but I’d like to think that we all go through it at some point. And hopefully all the rest and relaxation I get today will heal everything up so I can continue being happy like I was a few days ago. It’s just another hurdle to jump.

The picture above was just something I did to take my mind off crap and because my hot pink Doc Martens make me happy.

Off Day after a Day Off

It was so nice to have a full day in the middle of the week to do whatever I wanted. Lunch with my aunt and relaxing with my friends. It’s crazy how random days can surprise you.

However, I think it threw me out of balance. Today was rough at work. I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. I was overwhelmed. Counting seemed nearly impossible. I mean, everyone needs to remember, including myself, that it’s been less than a week since I’ve actually been doing the work. I am not going to be 100% confident of everything. I’m going to have to ask questions. I’m going to have to take my time.

But I got paid, and even though it was only for a week’s worth of work, I was pleased. I’m excited to see how a full pay period turns out. And how my life turns out.

Hopefully it’ll get back on track tomorrow.

My life hurts…

Man. Today was one of those days when pretty much every part of it sucks and you find yourself hating everything and being completely incapable of holding back every emotions (namely anger, annoyance, and sadness).

Good thing about today: I got the job and accepted it! Full-time, benefits, all the holidays off (finally!), growin’ up.

Bad thing about the good thing about today: I have to quit a job for the first time ever. And I don’t hate the job. And I just transferred to this new store. So I’m super-nervous. But…I’ll survive. I guess…

I don’t know, man…

Sometimes…I just want to scream.

{PaperTissue}

Without the sour, the sweet wouldn’t taste as sweet…

{PaperTissue}

Oh man.

I really hope that all this stress and anxiety and worry and CRAZINESS is all for something better.

I’m trying to reassure myself with words like the title above. But it was the only thing I could think of in regards to how I feel. What are those sayings? You know, when people say that good things happen after bad things and what have you…only…well, snappier. And usually in a way that rhymes.

Now, I’ll just think about things that make life a little better like…

• Jesse Eisenberg
• Sleeping in
• Chili with cheese
• Poker
• Being creative
• Making plans to be creative with friends

Life and Time

My days off feel like sick days from school. I can’t believe that I’m not a student anymore. It’s so strange. It still boggles my mind.

So does the fact that it’s October. And that it’s really chilly and I need to start layering more and more.

I’m excited to wear more sweaters, leggings, and boots. But I’ll miss being comfortable without a jacket on.

As for life right now…I’m making it really hard for myself. That is my biggest flaw. I worry and worry about something, ruining the times when it wasn’t something to worry about, and then freaking out when the event actually occurs.

I need to get stronger. I should be already. I used to be, anyway.

I hope dreams still come true. I hope hope exists. I hope that every negative thought in my head will one day be disproved and no longer exist.

Can things get any worse? I certainly hope not. Maybe it’s time for the sunny side of life…please?

I’m workin’ on my follow-through.

One of my main problems is that I have so many great ideas and goals and ways to make my life better and I hardly ever follow through with them.

I’m weak. I worry about what others will think. I worry others will hate me for no reason, or for reasons they don’t even understand because they don’t even bother to know the truth. I care too much about what other people think. Or it’s just so damn hard to change because I’m bored or scared or lonely.

I want to change this so bad.
I have to change it.

In other news, I realized Santogold’s self-titled album (even though she’s considered Santigold now) is perfect summer to fall transition music. Even though her stuff is fun at times, it’s mostly chill, and it fit my rainy drive to work perfectly. What I love the most about this CD is that no song sounds like the other. She goes from rapping to singing ska/new wave in the blink of an eye. Every song is a winner.

I also highly recommend Radiohead’s In Rainbows for this seasonal change. I love all of their music, but this album came into my hands two falls ago, and it fit my mood so well. The music is beautiful, the lyrics have so much truth, and Thom Yorke’s voice never ceases to amaze me.

Nothing But the Truth

Below is a list of things that truly, honestly, and wholeheartedly suck.

• Wanting something you can’t have
• Pretending everything is okay when it isn’t
• Feeling pressure to do things, rather than support
• Realizing you have been wrong about something the whole time (especially when everyone else was right)
• Watching things get worse and feeling unable to change it (especially when the people around you are not having a hard time)
• Anticipating the worst
• Hating anything or anyone for reasons that are beyond your control
• Losing control of your life and/or a situation
• The feeling of your heart shattering into microscopic pieces
• Being ashamed of the truth, whatever it is

I wrote this post, not to seem angst-y and depressed, but to put a list of things out there that I feel everyone goes through and, when they do, they feel alone. I might not have the solution to these problems (otherwise I wouldn’t know that they suck in the first place), but I think that knowing you share common ground, that you aren’t the only one dealing with pain…well, that can help in some way.

Blah diddy blah

I really need to write a book. I have so many ideas swimming in my head, though, so its hard to focus. I have many thoughts. Often times I feel they sound like lines from sappy movies. And even though that seems horrible, those movies are making money, no?

A couple off the top of my head…

• I feel really sad for us.
• I am sick of being angry because of you. Because the things that bother me are your problems and not mine.

I feel trapped lately. Maybe its more of the quarter-life crisis. I am going nowhere. I have nothing to look forward too. My life is moving and changing and change doesn’t always bode well for me. But I’ve made it through this kind of thing before. I will continue to do things I love and keep on “truckin’” as they say. Speaking of which, I dropped my third roll of Holga film off today. No predictions on when they’ll be done. I’m still hoping to share the others soon. And now…I must go because I have over 70 sparklers waiting to be lit off and snapped into a lovely photo.

One of those days

It’s so weird. You’re doing fine, great even, living your life. And then all of the sudden, a day, like any other ordinary day comes along and blows everything out of the water.

You are miserable, maybe even for no reason. Everyone and everything bothers you, or maybe just one in particular. Shit hits the fan or things come out of the blue. It is just not your day. You woke up fine and went to bed with a huge loss of hope.

I had one of those yesterday. I’m still reeling, like an anger hangover. An angerover. What a bummer.

On another note, I get my Holga photos after work today. And its finally really sunny without  cloud in sight and I’m supposed to go swimming after work too. So…here’s to better days!

Somethin’ wrong with that.

I don’t know if it’s my inability to sleep or my worry and stress, but I don’t feel or look much like myself these days. Makeup seems to fade quickly. My eyes have perma-circles. It’s disappointing. But I’m so uncomfortable at home. I miss my school bedroom. My comfy, slightly bigger bed (yes, my bed at school was bigger than my bed at home…not cool). My mind is so idle. I need to start doing more.

I guess I really need to work on myself physically. I’m trying to exercise more and take a multivitamin each day. But I definitely need to drink more water, eat more meals (and healthier ones too), and get out of the house as much as possible. I have a few fun things planned for my days off, on top of finishing up organizing my room and eventually making it a cozy place to be.

Just gotta be more care-free…

Miss

Sorry for the lack of posts these past few days. Busy bee...though, not really.
Break has already come and gone.
I topped mine off with a trip to Philadelphia to visit my sister. Bought (more like splurged) the red Afrika print pocket frock from American Apparel and also fell in love with this item.
Now I'm back at school and I'm really ready for some FUN!
The weather is slowly but surely picking up.
I can't wait to pull out more skirts, shorts, and dresses.
Things making me anxious this week:
- Going back to class when I really don't want to.
- Whipping up a good cover letter to find jobs which I really don't want to.
Things making me happy:
- Haircut on Wednesday so that I might finally feel confident again and might actually take more photos to post on here.
- Septum piercing, this Friday. Cannot wait.

Hope when I talk again I will have more interesting things to say!