Decisions…

So, although I’ve wanted this for a while now, I think it’s high time that I purchase a DSLR. This is a HUGE deal for me. I could wait and get it for Christmas, but honestly, I just don’t feel like sitting around waiting for someone to do this for me. I’m nervous to make the jump, but I want to.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the point and shoot I have. But…I don’t know. I still feel like it holds me back in terms of depth of field. And, if the lighting is off, I’m left with something washed out or too dark.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. I’m still trying to figure that out. But cameras have changed my life. I never had a hobby before. Something that made me happy, no matter what else I was doing with my life. And it’s not like I’ll never use the thing. Regardless of whether or not I end up doing something photographic, I want to capture memories and moments as best as possible and always. And I’ll still want to share them with the world. And I’d like them to be the best that they can be.

If I finally take the plunge…well, you’ll see…

TGIAF

The weekend is almost here. It has been a rough week, and I’ve let so many things hang over my head and ruin it for me.

I have one more issue to tackle. I’m super nervous. More details when I know more details…

Anyway, a full weekend is ahead. Tons of fun and relaxation to come.

Hope you all have a great weekend!!! (Stress-free, y’all.)

{Picture from the library last night. I love this.}

Likes/Dislikes

Likes:

• Water with lemon
• Sleeping/cuddling in a big comfy bed all day
• Hummus
• Playing with cameras/camera apps
• Spending time indoors with the family
• Netflix
• Fresh air
• New clothes
• Daydreaming about what my life can be

Dislikes:

• Having to wake up and go to work
• Being nervous about any new situation
• Letting anxiety get the best of me
• Arguing with people who care the most
• Dreaming more than doing
• Going to bed upset
• Feeling inadequate
• Comparing myself to other people
• Caring what other people think

And that’s all folks. On to the next one…

A case of the Mondays…

Sunday nights can be really bittersweet. I had an amazing weekend (the little bit of it I can even call a weekend) and it was so tough to juggle my insane happiness and insane sadness. Oh, next weekend…come here quickly!

{This is where I wish I could stay for a while…}

Pictures of the weekend to come tomorrow…

Pause

I am not one to blog about my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love sharing pictures of my friends and family, the things I get to see, some of my experiences and favorite things. But I don’t talk about the issues. And there’s a reason for that…I have a bunch of them. Kidding, kind of.

Basically, this blog is a celebration of the good times. The things I love. The things that motivate me and keep me going. The things I’m most passionate about. This blog is all the things I would like to life to be.

Unfortunately, it’s come to my attention that my life definitely isn’t what I want it to be.

As a 23 year old college graduate who came out of school with the same job she had during school (meaning 18 hour work weeks, no benefits, endless time to stew in my confusion) and has only made a slight step up the totem pole, I find myself utterly confused. Because, well, the options are endless. And all I ultimately want is to be happy. I’ve lived most of my life doing without the things I want, or I found an inexpensive alternative that left me even more satisfied.

I was happy with most of the things in my life until this past month. A few things happened that weren’t catastrophic but definitely didn’t help my self-esteem or where I’m at right now.

The main goal is figuring out what I want to do and how I will be able to do it.

When I was in grade school, I read books like a starving person would attack a buffet. You wouldn’t find me without a spiral notebook or a black ink Bic Cristal pen (still my favorites, to this day) because I had so many story ideas. Once I hit junior/high school (or puberty), that drive to read dissipated and got replaced with movies. I still wanted to write…but maybe screenplays. I just could never carry out a full story. And then that stopped all together.

College had me focused on radio, but even then, I wasn’t sure.

I love so much. Writing/blogging, music, movies, TV shows, photography, fashion. But not one thing in particular stands out enough to say, “Hey, do this.” And what sucks even more, is I am more anxious than ambitious. I suppose writing will always be my first love. It makes me extremely happy to tell stories, discuss the ins and outs of things I love.

I want to figure all of this stuff out in my life. I want to start making my name. Making my living. Separating myself from the past. Whatever I have to do so that I feel like where I am is where I’m supposed to be. I don’t want to let what other people are doing discourage me. I want to succeed on my own terms.

Here’s to figuring all of that stuff out…

Laced Up

Within 24 hours, I got two new pairs of shoes. Aside from sneakers,  I don’t wear shoes with laces, but I am so excited about these. The ones on the left are from a vintage shop in Jim Thorpe. They were 10 dollars and fit so I couldn’t deny them. I already told you about the others. I love shoes. I love clothes. So much to wear, so little time.

On a side note, I took advantage of the capability of a half day at work. I need this. I am lounging in bed on a rainy, icky day, listening to music and looking at pretty things online, and eventually laying down, baking something sweet, and getting tacos with my bros. People should never underestimate the power of time off. Mental health is super important. And I have been ripping mine to shreds running around and being a billion different people, letting everything get to me and worrying about everything under the sun. So…I’m happy now. Even though I’ll be back to the grind for the rest of the week…

Life and Time

My days off feel like sick days from school. I can’t believe that I’m not a student anymore. It’s so strange. It still boggles my mind.

So does the fact that it’s October. And that it’s really chilly and I need to start layering more and more.

I’m excited to wear more sweaters, leggings, and boots. But I’ll miss being comfortable without a jacket on.

As for life right now…I’m making it really hard for myself. That is my biggest flaw. I worry and worry about something, ruining the times when it wasn’t something to worry about, and then freaking out when the event actually occurs.

I need to get stronger. I should be already. I used to be, anyway.

I hope dreams still come true. I hope hope exists. I hope that every negative thought in my head will one day be disproved and no longer exist.

Can things get any worse? I certainly hope not. Maybe it’s time for the sunny side of life…please?

I’m workin’ on my follow-through.

One of my main problems is that I have so many great ideas and goals and ways to make my life better and I hardly ever follow through with them.

I’m weak. I worry about what others will think. I worry others will hate me for no reason, or for reasons they don’t even understand because they don’t even bother to know the truth. I care too much about what other people think. Or it’s just so damn hard to change because I’m bored or scared or lonely.

I want to change this so bad.
I have to change it.

In other news, I realized Santogold’s self-titled album (even though she’s considered Santigold now) is perfect summer to fall transition music. Even though her stuff is fun at times, it’s mostly chill, and it fit my rainy drive to work perfectly. What I love the most about this CD is that no song sounds like the other. She goes from rapping to singing ska/new wave in the blink of an eye. Every song is a winner.

I also highly recommend Radiohead’s In Rainbows for this seasonal change. I love all of their music, but this album came into my hands two falls ago, and it fit my mood so well. The music is beautiful, the lyrics have so much truth, and Thom Yorke’s voice never ceases to amaze me.

Nothing But the Truth

Below is a list of things that truly, honestly, and wholeheartedly suck.

• Wanting something you can’t have
• Pretending everything is okay when it isn’t
• Feeling pressure to do things, rather than support
• Realizing you have been wrong about something the whole time (especially when everyone else was right)
• Watching things get worse and feeling unable to change it (especially when the people around you are not having a hard time)
• Anticipating the worst
• Hating anything or anyone for reasons that are beyond your control
• Losing control of your life and/or a situation
• The feeling of your heart shattering into microscopic pieces
• Being ashamed of the truth, whatever it is

I wrote this post, not to seem angst-y and depressed, but to put a list of things out there that I feel everyone goes through and, when they do, they feel alone. I might not have the solution to these problems (otherwise I wouldn’t know that they suck in the first place), but I think that knowing you share common ground, that you aren’t the only one dealing with pain…well, that can help in some way.

Why is it?

Everything comes down to lists these days. Lists of things to do. Lists of things you need. Lists of things you like. Lists of things you don’t like. Everywhere I look, I see a list. Or I’m creating one in my head.

They are helpful. The good ones can be funny or enlightening. They can remind you of things you love or things that must be done.

But now I feel like I’m making lists I can’t even keep up with. And I also feel like the next list I make will not be a fun one.

You know, sometimes you really do need to sit back and evaluate (and re-evaluate) the things in your life. The people. The habits. Your financial situation. I guess in some ways, its helpful. But its disappointing, too. To have to fix everything you do. To see what’s worth it, what’s not. To see if you’ll waste your time. To see if it will work out, if it ever really did. I need to do this. I don’t want to. But I need to.

At first I was worried this was me. But I don’t think I’ve used the word “bored” recently. Just disappointed and ready for action.

And in other news, I realized, after taking 12 pictures, that I had the film setting wrong on my Holga. Who knows if the pictures will even come out? I sure hope so. But it doesn’t matter anyway, because I don’t even know where I will be developing the pictures anyway!

Image from PaperTissue