Changeling

Today ended up being a very trying day for me. I don’t know if it was my lack of sleep, my hormones, the full moon, or the nerves, but I was teetering on the edge of hysterics for most of the day. I had several quick breakdowns once I finally got home (one was triggered by the new Macy’s commercial, another by a sentence someone told me about 4 years ago). I know this is a good thing, the new chapter, the next step. But…I don’t know, man.

There’s so much to learn, so much to be done. But what kills me is, I already know this isn’t something I’m passionate about. And it’s fine because it’s money and it’s benefits and it’s a stepping stone. But I wasn’t prepared for this. To get serious. I don’t want to be tired at 9:30 PM. That’s not me.

I miss college. I miss power hour after dinner. I miss movie nights at Rafter’s room in the Ramada. I miss walking down the block and being at my best friend’s place or my favorite bar. I miss King’s Cup and Flip Cup. I miss blasting my music so loud and getting ready to go out. And not worrying about going out until 10 PM. I miss staying up until 4 AM. I wish there was a way I could do it all over again. Especially senior year. And completely different this time. For starters, maybe I wouldn’t cut my hair so short again. Among other things.

I know it’s crazy to say so soon but I’m scared of losing my youth. I don’t want to stop doing crazy things ever. I don’t want to come home from work and be home all night. I want to do things and see things. Be places. I will work for the future. I will work for the life I want. Even if it sucks for now.