Almost done.

The weekend is nearly here. And its been coming quickly.
Unfortunately, though, that means the weeks are flying by.
We are close to March, which is close to April, which is close to May, which is the last month of my college career.
I am not ready.
I should really try to get ready.
Guh.

Stressful times, I tell ya.
Meanwhile, I'll just enjoy the weekend ahead.

P.S. I miss your voice.

Debbie Downer

It's unfortunate that its only two days after my initial funk that I am still being called a Debbie Downer, despite the fact that I mood has picked up significantly.
Maybe I am just that pessimistic. I never really liked to think of myself as negative, but man, I do usually think the worst in every situation.
Maybe this feeds into that too much, but I would like to share with you my current likes and dislikes. Perhaps I should do the dislikes first. To end on a positive note.

Dislikes of the Moment:
- Feeling fat and constantly obsessing about the reappearance of a double chin and jiggly thighs.
- My hair, which is growing out annoyingly, and the fact that I hate it even though probably no one notices anything wrong with it.
- Being broke and being depressed about the next check, not being stoked about it.
- Being insecure about everything.
- People disliking the EX and pretending to be friends one second, that hating him the next.
- Friendship fading.
- My messy room reflecting my messy life.
- Thinking about the future.
- Slacking on reading.
- People who can ruin my mood with just their presence.
- Waking up exhausted.

Likes of the Moment:
- The weather, which has gone from icy ice cold to slightly warmer and sunnier with the promise of Spring.
- My hot pink Doc Martens boots.
- Imaging myself with a septum piercing.
- The promise of good pre-streets in the back room of Blockbuster on Wednesdays.
- Replacing jeans with leggings of all colors and designs.
- Music that makes me feel sexy, even if I have no one to be sexy with right now. (i.e. Minus the Bear, Kings of Leon, etc.)
- Thinking about tomorrow's outfit.
- A good bottle or can of beer.
- Vintage pins to spruce up wearing the same old sweaters.
- Seth Rogen.
- Having a little bit of cash on me.
- Being able to pull my hair back.
- Looking forward to the weekend.
- Pictures of good times.
- Big cans of hairspray.
- Brightly colored eyeshadows and looking good in the morning.
- My greenish tealish skinny jeans.
- My cell phone and texting constantly.
- Thinking about having my own place.
- Lines from Hiroshima Mon Amour that I cannot find online unfortunately.
- Jazz dance.

See, there is more I like right now. I just never let it settle in.
I gotta do that.
As for right now, its gorgeous out. I feel like I should be doing something, or going somewhere. But there's nothing to do (fun, anyway. I should work on my homework) and nowhere to really go until later. For now, I'll crank my music and keep the window open and the sunshine comin' in.

Bummer.

I hate funks with no explanation.
I hate when, one second ago I was fine and the next I feel like I don't wanna leave my bed.
I know I need to make some sort of life path, some decision on how I want to live my life. But it is so damn hard for me, for some strange reason, to make any decision, especially when that decision can change things I've become so used to.

I can sit around, be single, see where my life takes me, see how my situations pan out.
Or I can try, again, to be in something that I am not sure I want to be in because I'm not sure if its my heart or my mind that's keeping me back.
Does that make sense? Probably not. I don't make much.

In other news, I had a decent weekend.
Drank on Thursday. Watched movies on Friday. Stayed in with roomie Lauren and best friend Rafter on Saturday. Went to a car show in Philly with dad and sister yesterday.
I still want to get my septum pierced. If I won't loathe myself too much for spending money that I shouldn't really spend on it this weekend, I think I will do it.
This week doesn't feel like it will be that great.
So maybe it will make it better.
Or maybe it will make it worse.
Whatever.

On my mind.

1. A trustworthy and safe septum piercing will set me back 60 bucks. But right now, its just a matter of when will I do it, not if I will do it.
2. I love money. Hate situations involving money. I am broke. I need a quick buck. And no way to make it.
3. I have no idea what to do with my life, but I better get a move on with everything, or I'm going to be fucked.
4. I'm not getting fucked.

Admit it.

You are insecure.
Maybe not everyday.
But you are, sometimes.
Maybe its because you had a shitty day. Or maybe its because that boy/girl you like doesn't like you back and is banging someone way hotter than you. Or maybe its just because you hated looking at yourself that morning in the mirror.
So why do we continue to try and give good advice by discouraging people to do something they want to do? Or, even worse, why are we talking about what we consider to be poor decisions other people have made behind their backs?
Yes...I am a victim of it. And sure, I've seen some ugly hairstyles, or due jobs, or ill-fitting clothes.
But ya know what? Half of the time I do it, I think its just because I am so damn insecure that I want to feel good that I'm not the only one fucking up.

The reason I post this is because I am seriously considering this septum piercing.
Because I want to.
Not for anyone else.
Not to have people fawn or judge.
For me.
To enjoy.
To feel good about myself, or to try something fun so I don't have another regret on the list, right?

I'm just hoping that people will shut their mouths.
Or, even better, that I won't give a fuck if they can't.

Things I love/want/like now

As is customary for anyone who can't always get what they want, I tend to become obsessed with things. Maybe not crazy-style obsessed, but ya know, I daydream about the outfits I'd wear with that pair of boots. Or I imagine what he would kiss like. Or I wonder what that meal on Food Network would taste like. Or whatever.

I decided to share some things I am thinking about, that I like, or that I may want to buy or do or get somehow someday.

For starters, since I'm so desperate for a bit of change in my life, here's the things i have in mind.
My hair is growing out and I really just want a nice, fun, short 'do. I'm not looking to grow it past my chin, but to have a fun, messy, girly bob would be nice. As much as I loved the short hair and the ease it brought, I began to get insecure with it.
I am kinda obsessed with this 'do, and its actually kind of the reason I decided to dye my hair black.

I am all about something fun, easy, and messy. And I really just need a trim and shape up. Unfortunately, I can't afford it yet.

Then, change a bit more drastic. A face piercing. The septum to be exact. It's so weird and yet strangely attractive sometimes. I want something cool, to try something different, but I really don't think I could pull it off. At any rate, my mind wanders to it.
I wish I had the balls enough to do it. I mean, you could always take it out. But my dad would probably murder me. Scratch that...he would murder me.

Clothes-wise, I am obsessed with leggings. For some reason, as much as I will always love jeans with the rest of the world, I love changing it up. I already have a few great pairs (Gold lame, black lame, floral, magenta spandex, plus a variety of tights), but I always want more. And American Apparel is the way to go. These are my current favorites:


Honestly, the crazier the better for me. Too bad they are wwwwwwaaaaaaaayyyyyy expensive.

And, for a long time now, I've wanted a pair of Nike high tops.

Of course, these are also expensive.
I'm keepin' them all on my wishlist. Maybe I'll hit the jackpot someday. Or get some balls.

Maybe it's

just that time of the month or the year or my life, but I'm in need of some change.
I feel bored with some of the things in my life. I love mostly everything in it, I just feel a lack of creativity lately.

Unfortunately, my first instinct is to hate everything in my beloved closet.
Here's the thing about me. I love clothes. But this is a fairly recent development. Before I came to college almost 4 years ago, I went to Catholic school. I had a uniform that kept me from being any form of unique, and I honestly liked that. I liked not having to worry about wearing the coolest clothes or looking the prettiest because no one else did. See, going to Catholic school is basically a privilege. You're supposed to obtain an excellent education along with outstanding morals. It costs to do this. And so most people that go there, they don't worry about money. It was normal for them to shop regularly at nice stores. Express was the big one. I remember a trend of these, like, weird scoop neck shirts from there, they had a lace border under the chest, and they came in basically every color. Every girl had one. I had to have one. Cuz I didn't have a style, and I thought, hey its cool and it looks pretty. I had two, eventually. One was green, so I would have something to wear on a dress-down day for St. Patrick's Day. The other was more me. Light blue with a floral design printed all over, smaller on top, and progressively bigger towards the bottom. I definitely always had similar tastes, but they changed over the years. I'll be honest: In high school I wore the same jeans like, everyday. I only started to get some small style when I dated my EX, the EX, because he was punk rock and it rubbed off on me (haha).

Anyway, I never had a huge closet, and I never really cared. 'Til college. But only because I could finally where whatever I wanted, and because I didn't want to wear the same pair of jeans and be gross anymore. I started to shop more, but not a lot. And then, suddenly, after a few compliments on a few outfits, I started to shop more and think of new ways to present myself everyday. Dressing up made me feel good, whether people stared at me funny or gushed about their love for it...if I felt good, that was it. And since I have to buy most of my clothes, well, I get 'em cheap. Weird shirts from the Salvation Army, anything from the Target or Old Navy clearance racks. Cheap plain t-shirts and fun accessories. Whatever. It's all about how you do it.

I do, however, have one vice when it comes to clothes.
I want American Apparel. I want it all. And its too damn expensive for me.
How does one go from 50 cents for a sweet collared shirt to 28 dollars for a flimsy acid-washed tee? It's rough.
I have a few articles. They are my passion. It is my porn.
And I want more. I will post some of my favorites soon.

Anyway, I guess the current issue is, as always, that I am broke. Anything I would like to do to put a smile on my face, to rearrange everything, well...it can't happen right now.
A couple of things I thought of, also, seem sort of...outlandish.
For one, I want to dye my hair again soon. But I want to wait for this black to completely wash out. I fear it won't for a little while longer.
I also need a haircut to get rid of the strange ends that have come from trying to grow out my pixie cut. I miss the ease, the 5 minutes it took to style my hair and have it look good. But I also missed having versatility. And also, there was the sometimes feeling like I looked like a boy.
Then there's the drastic measures I've thought of.
Like piercing my face.
But everyone's done it.
Lip would probably be annoying.
I don't especially like my nose.
And the only thing I can think of that would be sort of cool would be the septum...and I think it would kill and probably have some very negative effects on my nostrils haha.

For now, I will think about this, sleep on it, and hope that I will wake up and feel a little bit better soon. Good night.