My Story, Lately…Pt. 3

As a new chapter starts in my life, I feel like it’s time to share it. You can read Parts One and Two by clicking the links.

This has, undoubtedly, been one of the craziest years of my life. If you’ve read the previous blog posts, then you know.

Quick Recap: A year ago, I put in my notice to quit a full-time job as a teller at a Credit Union. It was my full-time job, the way I paid my bills, my insurance, etc. I was also there for nearly 4 years, so it was my life as I knew it. I was, however, completely miserable. I cried before work, dreaded going to bed…I knew I needed out. So I had about a month of finding myself before I got a job at Old Navy, as a sales associate, for the holiday season. They kept me on after the holidays were over, and I was thankful for a paycheck. Now, things have changed again.

A large part of why the year has been so interesting, ever-changing, is because I’ve never truly known what I wanted to do. It’s one thing to dedicate yourself, your studies, your time, to an end goal. But when you don’t have an end goal, it’s so much harder. When you have the insecurities that I do on top of all that? Well, it’s nearly impossible. 
My mind: I’m not good enough for any job, I’m not worth more than x/hr, and other depressing thoughts.

My work at Old Navy was a welcome change from the past. I liked working with people of all ages in a fast-paced environment. I liked wearing whatever I wanted, listening to fun music, and making some friends along the way. The goal wasn’t to work at Old Navy forever, but I was happy there. Still, I knew I’d need something stable. When you work in retail, income is a fickle thing. If sales are great, the pay is great. But sometimes, there aren’t enough hours for everyone and your checks get smaller. The money wasn’t a massive issue (it always is, so forget that, it’s not about the money, I accept that it will always be stressful), but I started to get a little frustrated. My schedule was always different, and I ended up working a lot of evenings and weekends, meaning I barely had a summer and I barely saw my boyfriend. Still, I had no plans to leave the place. Then, something like Fate stepped in.

It was an early Sunday morning, price changing at work, when I was discussing with a co-worker the prospect of “dream jobs” or something like it, finding yourself working in a place you actually enjoy. I’ve had about a zillion thoughts on what I would like to do or what I would want to do, but it’s hard to get up the courage. Both my co-worker and I love books, so we were talking about jobs involving them…I, in particular, mentioned that I might enjoy working at a library.
Then, the next day, I went to my favorite library and….THEY WERE HIRING.
I kinda freaked out and froze. It really felt like it was meant to be.
First of all, I had only just vocalized that possibility the day before. Secondly, I have so many books…Kindle books, physical books, that I haven’t read and yet I still felt a pull to go to the library to find my next read.
The woman at the desk noticed that I was looking and asked if I wanted an application. I nodded, probably looking completely crazed. How was it possible that something I had just mentioned could become real?

After two interviews, I was offered the job!
Normally, I would’ve been anxious, shaking and sweating the morning of my first day. Not this time.
Something just felt right.

Initially, I was going to work a couple of shifts a week at Old Navy at the same time, but my first day, they offered me more time at the library and a small bump in pay…so…I basically felt like my dreams were coming true. It saddened me to say goodbye to ON, because I liked working there and didn’t leave on bad terms. But I wanted (want) to fully dedicate myself to this new position. I work in Reference and Youth Services (sitting near the YA novels brings me life) and I’ve been having a great time learning the system and absorbing everything around me. For once, I feel like I have a job that can build and boost my resume for a potential career, or that could grow and change into one.

I’m fully aware that I’m in the Honeymoon stage and that even a month from now, I could turn out to loathe the job. I personally can’t imagine what would make me despise it quite so much, grumpy patrons aside (when you’re in customer service as long as I’ve been, it’s just part of the deal). For now, though, I feel like I took a step in the right direction. A step that is taking me to a new place, a place away from the same stagnant jobs I’ve held in the past.

And finally, I feel like it’s proof that positive thinking (and manifest destiny) are real things. When I initially thought about being a teller, I had mentioned it to a friend and she helped me get the job that supported me for almost 4 years. And now, after sharing a dream about working in a library, a door opened that may not have if I had never said anything (or I never would’ve known). When you’re honest with yourself and others about what you want, it’s easier to achieve.

So here’s to the new chapter, and to whatever it may bring next!

My Story, Lately…Pt. 2

I just missed the 6 month mark since I quit my full-time job at the CU. I realize that I forgot because…well, I don’t really care about that place at all anymore. In my mind, this is a good thing. I’ve rid my palette (for the most part) and am slowly moving on. 6 months seems both short and long. I’m not where I thought I would be but then again…where did I think I would be? You know?

I mentioned in the first post that I got a seasonal part-time gig at Old Navy towards the end of October. I’m glad my gap in unemployment isn’t too big for my resume. After working the crazy holiday season, I was asked to stay on as a actual “sellebrity” which was exciting because A) I needed to keep working for money and B) not many people were asked to stay and I am so glad I was one of those people. It’s been a strange experience. The schedule is frustrating (I work basically every Saturday from 1-9, meaning I don’t get to have the normal fun weekends that other people do and I often work shifts that start at 5 or 6 am) because it’s not consistent and I never know what day it is. In the beginning, I was getting very few hours. One week, I literally worked a total of 8 hours. One day of work for a whole week. BUT, things looked up after our trip to Mexico. I started getting more and more shifts, usually working around 5 days a week (shifts ranging from 4-9 hours, which is great for retail!). Bigger paychecks, more face time to show what I can do.

Mexico (and the introduction of the Happier app around that time) really helped me put things in a positive perspective. I am prone to focus on the downside of the situation, but I have been enlightened. Life is a little bit easier to bear when you remember the little things that actually matter at the end of the day, week, month, year, decade.

Recently, a friend of mine died. We weren’t extremely close, our friendship existing more-so in one of the best summers of my life, 2012. The last time I spoke with him was before I quit Cross Valley. I was stopping at the liquor store to grab a much-needed bottle of cheap wine and he happened to be there, too. What was supposed to be a 5 minute (or less) stop turned into a half hour of talking. Catching up on the basics and eventually talking about my conundrum.
Though I hadn’t seen him since then, that conversation still sticks with me. When he passed away last week, I was in shock…we all were. And that’s because we all have had great experiences with him. He was a happy guy who enjoyed the finer things in life (“diamond taste” is how his stepmother put it) and left a piece of himself with every person he met (as his father put it). It’s so true. My sister, who was around him a few times, still remembers a conversation about a steak restaurant with him. That was probably over a year ago…but it stuck with her. The reason I believe this is the case is because he lived his life joyously. Everyone has problems and I didn’t know him well enough to know those…but what I saw of him was cigars and tall glasses of wine with tons of ice cubes. He was undeniably himself, no matter what.
It was sad to realize, but there was also a peace of mind to the fact that he touched so many lives in his short time and that we can all remember the positivity of his living.

That was a huge diversion, but it helps my point. That small conversation and our short friendship has stayed with me more than the drama of a place I worked at for 4 years. The good things, guys. The good, even little, things.

Being totally honest, I haven’t been looking for a full-time job and I need to get back on that horse. What I’m doing now is a huge step away from what I was doing, and I enjoy it very much. I love wearing whatever I want, listening to fun music, working with cool people of all ages, talking about clothes with the customers. But it’s not stable enough and I need to get a move on with my life. I desperately want to move out of my parents’ house (yeah, I’m still there) and work on future things like marriage. Those things can’t happen until I find that stability that I had with a full-time job minus the soul-sucking part of it all. Every job will have it’s moments, but it can’t be consistent and stagnant like that.

I realize I might not always get it right, and that I’m not exactly getting it right at the moment.
Am I in a happier place? Definitely. I could be a lot better, though. I want to grow up, but it’s hard.
The main issues is that I have no idea what I want to do and how to figure that out.
Suggestions are extremely welcome.

I will say, though, that it has been fun finding myself in different ways. Through scrapbooking and crafts, through opening myself up to people I didn’t think I would get along with, through being honest with myself and my family and friends and Brad about what I want (in the long-run), and even through the breakdowns that occur every so often when I experience a huge dose of reality. I am a jumbled mess and I have so much more work to go.
Hopefully, in the next six month review, I will be at a whole new place in my life.
Time to get to work.

My Story, Lately…

I realize that I haven’t shared the story of my life right now.
For a while now, I’ve wanted to start a new blog. I’m still working on it and I write pieces for it regularly, but the space isn’t ready yet and I don’t want to launch it undone. So, for now, I figured I would share the story of my life for the past two months, as it has been one of the weirder periods of my life.

Starting at the beginning, I first got my job as a teller at a local credit union in November of 2009. I was working part-time at Blockbuster before that (still one of my favorite jobs ever, I will miss you BB!), but back then, you got kicked off your parents’ health insurance the month you graduated and, of course, you were expected to immediately have a job. Graduating in the middle of the recession was tough, for all my friends. But especially someone like me, who majored in mass communications, a tough field as it is, with no actual direction. In an effort to make more money and not live in my robe on my days off (which was 5 out of 7 days a week), I put in a resume to the credit union and got the job pretty quickly, thanks to a college friend who worked there.

I was scared the first day. So much to learn and to know and be wary of. Many jobs have risk factors, but dealing with money is always a frightening thing. You don’t want to make errors. Despite my initial doubts, though, I did pretty well pretty quickly and I felt comfortable in the job. I liked having a set schedule with paid holidays, PTO, incentive and Christmas bonuses, and health insurance. It was a great way to get started in the workforce.

I didn’t love the job all of the time, there were many days I cried, but I didn’t really start to hate my job until the summer of 2011. Things got rough for me, with anxiety and depression crippling the already stressful nature of my job, and I really wanted an out. Though I looked for jobs frequently, I didn’t have much luck. I could’ve searched harder, but I would be so wiped, so tired just from the anxiety, that I’d end up throwing on sweats and being lazy. I’d feel productive around 10 a.m., but 5 p.m. would roll around and it was gone.

This year was the last straw. Not only was I having a hard time with the job personally, it got bad professionally.
Morale was at an all-time low and I dreaded getting out of bed in the morning. I came back from vacation not refreshed, but completely on edge. I was jealous of people who actually felt like they had been productive at work. 
I would have shitty days or okay days. I never came home feeling like I learned something or succeeded.
I was stagnant and making the least amount of money of anyone I knew. (Money, by the way, isn’t the most important thing to me. But at the crappy job, it didn’t help that I wasn’t making any. Still living at home. No car of my own. Paycheck to paycheck and no joy to make it worthwhile.)

Towards the end of August, I had an epiphany: I don’t have to stay here.
Silly, I know, as we in America are lucky enough to have this free will. But I didn’t think it possible. No real nest egg, no future prospects, the fear of letting people down both at work and at home by just leaving.
But after the billionth morning of crying, Brad had convinced me that I really should do it.
I still wasn’t sure…but I went to work the following week and cried within the first hour of being there. Not a couple of tears, but rather a hysterical burst. That was it. I’d been able to keep my composure at work, but not any more.
The next day, I handed in my notice. My final day was September 27th, Brad’s birthday.

To be honest, transitioning out of that work schedule was super easy. I really didn’t like it, so it never felt like I was missing something. I was finally trying get things back. I also have had the pleasure of sharing unemployment/semi-employment (as I like to call it, with my friend Jenna), with one of my best friends. We were both sick my first week and shared in each other’s fears and excitements for the future. Neither of us had left our jobs the same way, but they were both unhealthy environments. We are better off without them, absolutely.

I’ve had a majority of crises since that last day.
What am I going to do with my life? Am I capable?
Will I actually find a job? Can I find something that will give my life purpose and meaning?
I ask myself these questions every second of every day.

I’ve had a few interviews, one of which I was really excited about. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out.
In the meantime, I’ve started working at Old Navy part-time for the season. I’m happy to be making some money and getting out of the house. It’s rough sometimes. The schedule changes every week and most days I start work at 6 am.
It’s not the end-all, of course. But at least I actually feel productive there! I don’t just stand at a register. I help do things behind the scenes and it’s fun! I’m still looking for the next chapter every day, but I will say that I’m happy to be doing this (and not dreading every single work day) and struggling a little than I did having a full-time job that I hated.

I wouldn’t recommend the way I did things to everyone. If I could’ve, I would’ve saved more and really dedicated my life to finding a job to transition into. But I was at a point that I felt like, if I didn’t just leave, I’d never leave. Seriously.
That scared me more than anything. I could say that I wouldn’t be there next month or next year, but I knew it wouldn’t happen. I needed to take the leap. So I did. Life is a rollercoaster, every day, and I want to make my life meaningful.
I have a hard time staying motivated, dedicating myself to the hunt…but I have faith.

So that’s my life right now.

Have any of you ever done anything like this? How did you get through it?

 

Weekdays/Workdays

Sometimes, the weekdays just go soooo slow. It sucks, looking forward to the weekend. Shouldn’t we love and live for everyday?
It’s kind of hard to do, especially when everything feels sort of dead-end.
But let’s not forget, it’s the little things that make each day special.
Here are some things that help me through the days and make them worthwhile.

Soothing music (I prefer Bon Iver or Tycho) for the commute.
A book to read. If anything, this job has renewed my passion for reading.
Comfort food for lunch. (I must have greek yogurt with granola everyday.)
My 1 PM, pick-me-up cup of coffee.
Fresh air. As long as it isn’t raining, I go for walks around the neighborhood during breaks.
Silly text messages to my boy and my friends.

Holga photo taken by me, 2010.

Tired and ready for the weekend…

I can’t stress this enough, but I don’t like to get too personal on the blog. I love sharing stories and pictures of good things…I don’t want to use this blog as a forum to rant. But I’m exhausted and more than ready for the weekend. Some things changed at work, and now I’m going between two offices. Even though I end the week closer to home (and I can come home during my lunch break), there’s a lot of stuff to get used to. And now, my first Saturday shift is tomorrow and I’m nervous. And also…I just don’t feel like working. But Monday is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and I have that off. And because I have that off, and I don’t work next Saturday, I will have a four day week. So…as much as I want to whine and complain, I still get two (and a half) days to rest before next week, which will be a whole day shorter than the usual work week.

Gotta think positive, right?

In weekend news, I have a couple of little plans here and there but nothing huge and nothing that feels concrete. So who knows where my free days will take me? I only hope I have some stories, pictures, and positivity to share with y’all come the new week.

Have a great weekend everyone!

A case of the Mondays…

Sunday nights can be really bittersweet. I had an amazing weekend (the little bit of it I can even call a weekend) and it was so tough to juggle my insane happiness and insane sadness. Oh, next weekend…come here quickly!

{This is where I wish I could stay for a while…}

Pictures of the weekend to come tomorrow…

Pause

I am not one to blog about my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love sharing pictures of my friends and family, the things I get to see, some of my experiences and favorite things. But I don’t talk about the issues. And there’s a reason for that…I have a bunch of them. Kidding, kind of.

Basically, this blog is a celebration of the good times. The things I love. The things that motivate me and keep me going. The things I’m most passionate about. This blog is all the things I would like to life to be.

Unfortunately, it’s come to my attention that my life definitely isn’t what I want it to be.

As a 23 year old college graduate who came out of school with the same job she had during school (meaning 18 hour work weeks, no benefits, endless time to stew in my confusion) and has only made a slight step up the totem pole, I find myself utterly confused. Because, well, the options are endless. And all I ultimately want is to be happy. I’ve lived most of my life doing without the things I want, or I found an inexpensive alternative that left me even more satisfied.

I was happy with most of the things in my life until this past month. A few things happened that weren’t catastrophic but definitely didn’t help my self-esteem or where I’m at right now.

The main goal is figuring out what I want to do and how I will be able to do it.

When I was in grade school, I read books like a starving person would attack a buffet. You wouldn’t find me without a spiral notebook or a black ink Bic Cristal pen (still my favorites, to this day) because I had so many story ideas. Once I hit junior/high school (or puberty), that drive to read dissipated and got replaced with movies. I still wanted to write…but maybe screenplays. I just could never carry out a full story. And then that stopped all together.

College had me focused on radio, but even then, I wasn’t sure.

I love so much. Writing/blogging, music, movies, TV shows, photography, fashion. But not one thing in particular stands out enough to say, “Hey, do this.” And what sucks even more, is I am more anxious than ambitious. I suppose writing will always be my first love. It makes me extremely happy to tell stories, discuss the ins and outs of things I love.

I want to figure all of this stuff out in my life. I want to start making my name. Making my living. Separating myself from the past. Whatever I have to do so that I feel like where I am is where I’m supposed to be. I don’t want to let what other people are doing discourage me. I want to succeed on my own terms.

Here’s to figuring all of that stuff out…

Forward

Oh, in case you didn’t know, I’m back to work tomorrow. As anyone could expect, I’m not happy about it. But who would be? I think what makes it hurt even more is the fact that I don’t really have anything else solid to look forward to. I had to pick my time off by April 1st, so it’s been a work in progress since then. All the concerts I bought tickets for are over. Basically, any little getaways and plans and scheduled fun have come to a close.

So I have to make new plans, I suppose.

But unfortunately, summer is nearing it’s end. It’s August. The second week. The last summer month, really. Kids will be going back to school in a couple of weeks. The trees will eventually get all orange and brown and fall off and then, it’ll be winter…and I hate winter (Good thing I enjoy fall!).

As my life changes, it’s hard to tell what I will be doing next week, let alone in a couple of months. I’m hoping things will stay the same. Well, in the positive way, not in the habit of me beating myself up. Mostly, I’m concerned about spending time with my friends, family, and cameras. Can’t go wrong with that.

And, it doesn’t hurt that I have a pretty package coming from Forever 21. I like looking forward to the arrival of fun mail…

Ruffles, frills, collars. Girly fun!

Workin’ for the weekend.

I’m officially exhausted and I’m pretty sure my body is revolting against me out of anger from lack of sleep. I can’t help it. I like to do things. I get distracted by DVDs and Band Hero. You only live once after all. I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And other clichés about living and sleeping and whatever.

Anyway, tomorrow is my last full day of work for the weekend. Thursday is a halfday and then I have a three day weekend and I just simply cannot wait anymore. I need to sleep and breathe and relax and stay in my pajamas all day and watch endless DVDs and play the Wii and rot away for a few days.

But first, a New Year’s Eve celebration with my dear friends and video game band play.

Pictures to come…

My Bad.

I suck at blogging these days. I love doing it, I love reading others. But I feel like mine are lacking, and I can honestly say a large part of it is my lack of personal pictures to keep it interesting. I do a lot and see a lot (we won 2nd place at Pub Stumpers last night, saw Christmas lights, and even exchanged some small presents), but you can’t see what is going on in my life. Soon though…really soon.

I passed up an opportunity to make this weekend a 3-day weekend before Thanksgiving and I’m regretting that. I just want to sleep in and relax and enjoy the holidays. But I’ll be working tomorrow and Saturday. Both days until 1, so that’s a half day and not so bad. Still, I relish the ability to stay in my pajamas for a long time and not rush to go somewhere or do something.

Though I love going somewhere and doing something.

I can’t stop going these days. It really does feel like my life is crazy crazy crazy. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I may be grumpily exhausted, but I’ll sleep when I’m dead. Whether I’m somewhere with friends or even running errands by myself, I like doing something, anything. Because that’s what being young is about. I pride myself on the fact that I keep work separate. I don’t take it home with me, and a lot of people make that mistake (I am pretty early in though, so this could change. It took me almost 2 years to get sick of my previous job.). I’m not working my dream career. And yeah, sometimes the job, the people, the work can be stressful, infuriating, or annoying. There have been times I’ve wanted to cry (but never beyond the situation itself). But I’m making money and I have health insurance and in times like this, I’m very blessed to have both of these. It might not be what I always thought I would do, but I have time after work and on the weekends to work on those goals and dreams. I feel like too many people get all caught up in how they aren’t doing what they want instead of appreciating what they have right now. We all do that, though, in all different aspects of our life. But I’m happy that once I’m home, I’m home.

Speaking of, I will be relaxing the next few days, for the holidays. I plan on watching a couple movies tonight  (I’m thinkin’ Extract and All About Steve) and staying warm in comfy clothes because I am freezing. I’m worried that I won’t be able to stay settled for long. I already have plans for the movie theater lined up. And I don’t plan on stopping there.

I think the point of my blogging today was to say that I hope to make this blog more interesting, or at least as interesting as it was before (if it even was before), as soon as I can get my hands on a digital camera (Um, Friday please?). Regardless, I’ll keep doing it because I love to do it. But I’d like you out there to enjoy it as well.

And um…YAY! I don’t care…I love the show. The first movie is good, though I do feel it paled in comparison to the amazingness of the show. But fabulous friends in fabulous clothes talking about relationships and love and life and fashion…well, I cannot say no to that!!!!!

Giving Thanks.

{PaperTissue … What else?}

I got my first FULL paycheck today and it reminded me of how thankful I am for the job that I have. It was an insanely busy day, I’m assuming everyone is preparing for Christmas shopping come Black Friday. But I am finally actually making money. In less than a week, I will finally actually have my own insurance. And I didn’t have to do more than email a resume for this. I work hard and carefully everyday so that I can continue to do this and make money and have this schedule.

Since it’s Thanksgiving, I find it appropriate to say how thankful I am for the job and also, my friends, my family, my health, and my experiences. I have always had a tendency to fall into slumps and funks thinking my life should be so much more than it is.

But then I remember how many people have stood by my side and accepted me for who I really am (which I can honestly say isn’t always the easiest person to get along with). I remember that I’ve actually gone out of the country and experienced something on my own unlike many people I know. My family has accepted all my faults and dealt with all of my moods and episodes and done nothing but help me. They’ve supported all of the phases I’ve gone through. They continue to this day. And I still wake up every morning (even when I worry like the hypochondriac I am every night that I might not) and get to experience yet another day.

To everyone important in my life…you know who you all are – I love you so much. Thanks for being you and for letting me be me.

Off Day after a Day Off

It was so nice to have a full day in the middle of the week to do whatever I wanted. Lunch with my aunt and relaxing with my friends. It’s crazy how random days can surprise you.

However, I think it threw me out of balance. Today was rough at work. I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. I was overwhelmed. Counting seemed nearly impossible. I mean, everyone needs to remember, including myself, that it’s been less than a week since I’ve actually been doing the work. I am not going to be 100% confident of everything. I’m going to have to ask questions. I’m going to have to take my time.

But I got paid, and even though it was only for a week’s worth of work, I was pleased. I’m excited to see how a full pay period turns out. And how my life turns out.

Hopefully it’ll get back on track tomorrow.